Pondering disclosure of abuse to children

DEAR AMY » I am a 42year-old man. My wife is 40. We were both abused as children.

I like to drink, and now my wife has followed this path.

We have two kids, whom we love very much.

Should we tell our kids about our past troubles?

We have done very well for ourselves. Our kids are great. They know we love them, and they have done very well.

Obviously, they see us drink too much at times.

The oldest is going off to college. He is a topnotch kid and he knows we love him.

I’ve told him about the genetics of alcohol (it does run in our family), but should I tell him about the abuse?

You always talk about being honest, but this seems like it might be too much?

I’m not sure if I’m trying to cover my own insecurities by telling him, or if honesty is the best policy here? — Loving

Father

DEAR FATHER » Yes, honesty is the best policy. So, let’s talk about your drinking.

You seem to gloss over your alcohol abuse by saying that it is genetic; I infer that your childhood abuse has also been a factor and that both are likely related to your drinking.

It is also possible that your childhood abuse was perpetrated by people who were — like you — abusing alcohol.

My point is that you need to start your conversations by getting real about your alcohol abuse. The most impactful statement you could make to your entire family would be to admit that you are abusing alcohol — and to seek recovery.

The worst message you can send is to tell your kids that alcoholism is genetic (this is partially correct), while you are drinking — and sometimes drunk — in front of them. Your children will sniff out the hypocrisy very quickly. They will also get the message that alcohol is more powerful than they are. (“Look at my folks! Resistance is futile!”)

Your kids love you.

But — here’s a shock — all of that love will take a back seat to the vulnerable legacy imposed by your untreated addiction. Children of alcoholics are often high-functioning “fixers,” with a deep well of anxiety they hide from the world. (In short, you don’t actually know how “great” they are doing.)

Yes, you should tell your children about your childhoods, but not right before your son heads off to college, and not while you are still drinking.

You should start by admitting your alcoholism, telling your story to a qualified therapist, and working toward recovery. Al-Anon’s program for kids, Alateen, would be most useful for your kids. Check al-anon.org for information about local meetings.

Even if you are not in recovery, this would be a gift for them.