Sex­ual in­fi­delity causes prob­lems

Times-Herald (Vallejo) - - YOUR DAILY BREAK - Amy Dick­in­son You can con­tact Amy Dick­in­son via email: askamy@amy­dick­in­son. com and fol­low her on Twit­ter @ask­ingamy.

DEAR READ­ERS » Ev­ery year I step away from my daily col­umn to work on other cre­ative projects. I’ve gath­ered some top­i­cal “Best Of” col­umns from 10 years ago. To­day’s com­pi­la­tion deals with ques­tions re­lated to sex­u­ally un­faith­ful part­ners. (Some con­tent has been lightly edited.) I’ll be back in two weeks with fresh


DEAR AMY » My hus­band is al­most 70 years old. He is a door­man in an apart­ment build­ing. I just found out that he has been fool­ing around with other women who work in the build­ing for al­most 20 years.

We live near where he works, so ev­ery­one knows he’s mar­ried. He says it means noth­ing — that it’s just “free booty in the el­e­va­tor.” He doesn’t want to break up our mar­riage and said he would die with­out me. He comes straight home af­ter work and says he is very happy in our mar­riage, and I’m try­ing to stay in the mar­riage.

I’m un­der a doc­tor’s care and try­ing to cope. He won’t change, and I know he’ll never leave me!

What kind of woman ac­cepts this type of re­la­tion­ship?

— Sad Wife

DEAR SAD » I can imag­ine want­ing to stay in a long mar­riage where there is a tremen­dous emo­tional in­vest­ment. There are also valid prac­ti­cal rea­sons to stay in a mar­riage. How­ever, your hus­band is not only un­re­pen­tant about his el­e­va­tor booty calls, but ac­cord­ing to you he lacks the in­ten­tion and abil­ity to change.

I dis­agree. Any of us is ca­pa­ble of change, given the proper mo­ti­va­tion. You should sup­ply him with this mo­ti­va­tion.

Your hus­band is sleazy and un­eth­i­cal on the job. His be­hav­ior could (and should) lead to him los­ing his job. Be­yond your anger and sense of be­trayal, surely you are re-cal­i­brat­ing your per­sonal es­ti­ma­tion of him. He should be given a clear di­rec­tive about his op­tions. He should also agree to meet with you and a pro­fes­sional coun­selor.

While you’re work­ing things out, you should con­sider step­ping up your pres­ence in his pro­fes­sional life — if you’re avail­able, you might want to bring him cof­fee at un­ex­pected times and per­form your own unan­nounced el­e­va­tor in­spec­tions.

DEAR AMY » I hope you re­mind those wives whose hus­bands can­not be monog­a­mous that they should be tested oc­ca­sion­ally for sex­u­ally trans­mit­ted dis­eases.

This would truly be a valu­able public ser­vice an­nounce­ment. — Wil­liams­burg


DEAR NURSE » I agree that any­one in a sex­ual re­la­tion­ship should be tested for STDs, whether or not they sus­pect their part­ner of cheat­ing. Thank you for this healthy re­minder.

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