Rom-com might not have happy ending

DEAR AMY >> They say you never forget your first love.

Is reaching out to them crossing a line?

Life for me was like a “rom-com” movie; I grew up as the girl next door in a gorgeous home. I was in love with the boy next door, “Brian.”

We had a pretend wedding when we were kids and always joked about being married to each other. His mom even saved the picture from our pretend wedding.

I loved him very much. We shared our first sexual experience together.

Then, my father's once-successful business went under and our house was foreclosed. We were forced to move.

Brian wrote me a letter when I moved about how he would always be there for me and for a while, he was. We still saw each other, but on his terms. He started having commitment issues, we both met different people, he went away to college, and we've both had a few different “loves” since then.

About 10 years ago he reached out to me on social media, but it was a shorter conversation than I would have liked, as I was in a relationship. Fast-forward to today. We are both married to different (lovely) people, and he lives in a different city.

The thought of cheating on my husband makes me cringe. But Brian played in a band and I would think about going to the venue just to “run into” him again.

I think about him every day! I dream about him at least once a week.

It's always exciting to dream about him, but

I'm sad when I wake up.

It's like we find a way back to each other in my dreams.

This is a constant ache in my soul. Is it too late to reach out and say hello, or should I let it go?

— Dreamer

DEAR DREAMER >> My amateur take on your persistent dreaming is that your subconscious is trying to repair a series of losses in your earlier life. Your father's business failure, the foreclosure and move, and “Brian's” rejection of you during a period of instability. These are all early and painful wounds.

Your persistent thoughts and dreams are also an invitation for you to explore and examine your current relationship to your “lovely” husband.

I don't necessarily discourage you from contacting Brian, as long as you realize that this contact could very likely lead to much more pain for you — whether from Brian's lack of interest leading to (another) rejection, or from your obsession leading to the failure of your marriage — or both of your marriages.

Rom-coms are fantasies. The richness of real life comes from understanding and accepting past hurts and losses, owning your regrets, and integrating these into your authentic and actual lived experience. You're not there yet.

A therapist could help you to sort this out. I highly recommend it for you.