Lovebirds encounter a serious red light
DEAR AMY >> My husband and I were lovebirds in college. We had so much in common!
Unfortunately, an autoimmune disease hit him when he was in good shape and he lost most of the sensation in his body.
At the age of 37 he worked with an unusual paleo diet and conducted lots of internet research. He is now stronger and healthier than before the disease hit.
Now he makes his own kale chips, toothpaste, and deodorant.
Frankly, I feel like I can't keep up.
He thinks I'm not thin enough, while my doctor compliments my physique.
To avoid shaming, I hide snacks and eat forbidden foods like oatmeal in the basement.
I thought that helping him to pay for and set up a red-light sauna in the basement was supportive and cute, and now I am pressured to sit in it and absorb a health treatment I know nothing about.
Had I met my husband now, with all the health stuff, I wouldn't have continued the relationship, due to these large differences between us.
When I expressed my feelings about this obsession he threw “eBay shopping” back in my face.
I have a “you do you” policy, but I'm beginning to think it isn't a two-way street.
I don't want a divorce, just a reverse lever.
— Health Nutty
DEAR NUTTY >> You don't seem to be trying to force your husband to join you in your eBay habit, but he seems to have the power (or you've granted it) to coax you into a red-light sauna, which is currently having something of a moment with its promises to cure just about every ailment.
Your habits are furtive, and while you claim to have a “you do you” philosophy, if you accept his right to eat and do what he wants, then why don't you accept your own right to eat and do what you want?
In short, if you don't want to eat and spend time in your basement's red-light district, then take your oatmeal upstairs.
I suggest that you apply the “reverse lever” to yourself.
If he bullies you about your body or hectors you over your own confident personal choices, you should find a counselor who might be able to mediate.
DEAR AMY >> When people write to you, would you be willing to change the word “girl” to “woman” or “young woman” when people refer to adults in their questions?
Calling a woman a “girl” is demeaning and sexist.
— Another Amy
DEAR AMY >> I agree that referring to women as “girls” is demeaning and sexist. And yet, most often (at least in the questions sent to me), other women are using these terms, referring to: “girls' night out,” “girlfriends” “a girl I work with,” etc.
Overall, I appreciate the way people tell their own stories, and I like to leave these stories in the voice of the writer.