Special needs child needs good uncles

DEAR AMY >> I have a 9-year-old special needs child. “Kyle” is highfunctioning on the autism spectrum, but doesn't do well with athletics and other “typical” settings that might help a child fit in, make friends, and otherwise have a functional childhood dynamic.

We worry that he is becoming more socially isolated. We are very engaged and committed to his therapy and wellbeing. Our small families follow suit (especially both sets of grandparents).

My issue arises from my younger (adult) brothers.

They are both loving uncles, but seemingly detached.

I really resent their lack of effort or involvement that I know my son would benefit from: Whether the occasional day trip to the zoo, park, ballgame, or the treat of an overnight stay.

They haven't offered in years. They don't have kids and live nearby.

Growing up, I was the oldest brother who acted as caretaker. I've always thought each of them was spoiled and self-centered.

Am I wrong to get so worked up over this? I just cannot get past my disdain.

I know it's not their job to “parent” their nephew, but a few hours of quality time per month would immeasurably help his psyche.

Your recommendations?

DEAR DAD >> Contact between these uncles and “Kyle” would likely be good for Kyle. It would also be good for your brothers.

Those of us who have special needs family members understand that sometimes the relationship can unlock qualities that will put a person in touch with their own deeper humanity.

If they got to know their nephew, your brothers would see that he has a sense of humor, that he has a unique way of seeing the world and processing information, and, if he connected with them and they formed a close relationship, they would simply be better men.

Do they want to be better men? Maybe not.

They will not spontaneously step up, because they don't know how. Do they need an engraved invitation from their older brother? Unfortunately, yes, they do.

Rather than sharing your disappointment and disdain, you should ask your brothers for help.

Invite them (one at a time) to go on an outing with you and Kyle.

You are going to have to show them how to be with him, and when you do, one or both of your brothers might develop their own quirky kind of relationship with Kyle, which would grow as these uncles become more confident. You can then ask if they could each take him perhaps one Saturday morning a month for some “uncle time.”