Times-Herald (Vallejo)

Donor-conceived children should be told


DEAR AMY >> I have read advice in your column suggesting that it is wisest to tell children about their adoption starting very young.

My six-year-old twin grandchild­ren have never been told that their momma's eggs came from an egg donor.

The parents are now divorced but are very friendly.

Should they tell the kids?

Their momma carried them and gave birth to them.

— Wondering

DEAR WONDERING >> As with children who join their families through adoption, parents should also tell children who were conceived through donation their true birth story — ideally starting when the children are pre-verbal.

This gives parents lots of practice in telling the story, and normalizes it for everyone.

What parents should NOT do is treat this as a mystery or a family secret. Families are made in many different ways, and children are capable of understand­ing this because they see it.

Kids notice that not all families are the same. For instance, your grandkids' folks are divorced — but the parents and kids are still in a family together. They are also quite curious about their own origin story.

Not knowing the truth and then finding out later can prove genuinely traumatic for people — who upon learning that their birth is the result of sperm or egg donation can struggle understand­ing their true identity and wonder why nobody ever told them the story surroundin­g their conception and birth.

Another reason for parents to tell this story is that in this day of easy DNA testing, all children will eventually have access to this knowledge when they are older.

Because these parents are divorced, they should both talk to the twins about the very happy way they came into the world. They should answer all questions as they arise.

There are a number of charming children's books describing this process in age-appropriat­e ways.

DEAR AMY >> My wife and I have two young children. One is in pre-school and the other is in first grade. My wife and I both work.

I recently found a basketball league of other dads that I'd like to join. The games are one evening a week.

I haven't approached my wife about doing this, but honestly — I'm nervous about it. She works really hard, and I don't want her to feel like I'm abandoning her.

Maybe I should just wait until the kids are older.

What do you think?

— Nervous Dad

DEAR DAD >> Take it from me — if “wait until the kids are older” is your primary strategy for tackling life, you will never leave the house again.

Parenting younger children is often about divide and conquer.

You should approach her with the idea that if she can hold down the fort one weeknight, you will take another night.

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