MAGA world loses what's left of its mind
No sooner were the Detroit Lions resting properly in the fetal position to complete the kind of collapse that makes them, well, the Detroit Lions, than there it was.
The official countdown to the Super Bowl (Taylor's Version).
It is, after all, Taylor Swift's world — we just listen/watch/marvel/swoon/ scream/live in it. And over on Dementia Don's Errors Tour, the whole thing is just bad for business.
As if Travis Kelce's gal hasn't already given us so much, along comes a story straight out of the MAGA Universe that seems too good, too delightfully insane, to be true. Yet it is. The most sensitive orange snowflake in the galaxy has his Depends all in a bunch over you know who.
Poor Liddle Donald Trump. Seems Bronzer Don's feelings are hurt.
Again.
If you're wondering what the biggest pop star in the universe, the biggest game on the planet and — stay with us here — Prisoner No. 38323 in waiting/the Republican nominee for the presidency could possibly have in common, well let's just say somebody hasn't had their TV tuned to the news they need to know over on MAGA TV.
Perhaps you stumbled upon it, only to mistake it for a Saturday Night Live highlight. If only. Nope. It's right-wing media gone mad, and they are deadly serious.
It's all about …
It's all about the Super Bowl. The fix is in, you see. No less an authority than Vivek Ramaswamy — you remember, the pesky little gnat Nikki Haley kept swatting in those debates — assures us that the powers that be (those damn powers again!) have determined the Kansas City Chiefs will in fact be the Super Bowl champs.
In this world, where stupid truly is as stupid does, Baltimore quarterback Lamar Jackson, as wildly rich as he is flat broke of significant playoff wins, nonetheless rolled over and played dead for the Chiefs in the AFC Championship Game. Same with the NFC and the Lions, who, let's face it, knew better than to upset the natural order of things with something as outrageous as a Super Bowl berth.
Oh yes, we're talking rigged Super Bowl. Eagle-eyed viewers have already spotted star San Francisco 49er players being hustled off to secret locations by NFL executives — no doubt for
their debriefing sessions on throwing big games. Why, you ask?
It's all about President Biden. More specifically, the endorsement he gets from Taylor and her boyfriend. You know, right after the rigged Super Bowl.
MAGA world really needs to pick a lane here. Biden is either the disease-ridden simpleton who can't form a complete sentence before he falls down, or he's the evil genius who, high on the adrenaline of fixing the 2020 election, somehow masterminded the birth and eventual drafting of mega-talented QB Patrick Mahomes to one day be in just this position to pull off this massive Super Bowl heist.
Why, he probably used the same powers that be who were smart enough to spot baby Obama in Kenya and change the birth certificate to “Hawaii.”
Hoo boy, these damn leftists don't miss a thing.
Of course, as the geniuses over at Trump suckup NewsMax TV point out, Biden can have his Taylor Swift, Beyonce and the rest. Trump, they actually took the time to suggest — with a straight face — has Kid Rock and Ted Nugent.
So does the Podunk County Fair, but we digress.
It's all about Trump. Because, well, of course it is. It always is. Just ask him. Honestly, is there anyone left out there — judges, porn stars, politicians, pop stars, football players, lawyers, lawmakers, people who wrote the damn pesky laws, school teachers, moms, sports commissioners, governors, talk show hosts, et al — who isn't out to get this patriotic public servant?
It's all about jealousy. This whole Taylor Swift thing, filling stadiums with the snap of her fingers, is driving Mr. Crowd Size and his quarter-filled arenas crazy. How dare they say she's more popular than the man running his own personal cult of personality.
As if. All the Swifties do is buy music, download music, go see her movie, go to her concerts, follow her on social media and hang on her every word. All in record numbers.
Big deal. Where's the devotion there? The Trumpers? That's devotion, baby. Trumpers are willing to throw common sense and overwhelming evidence and rulings by Trump judges aside long enough to swallow in full the most ridiculous rigged election plot line this side of a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. And they won't hesitate to find the nearest sacred site of democracy — say, the U.S. Capitol — to break into, desecrate, and defecate on while they steal, destroy, taunt and injure police officers.
Oh sure, Trump rarely sniffs the air of 50 percent in a significant poll, all while racking up mid-term and general election losses like fast food wrappers. But do Little Miss America's fans have the kind of devotion to make the jump into shameless stupidity while also risking prison time?
I didn't think so.
It's all about football fans. Dammit, they just want their football. Is that too much to ask? While they listen to Tony Romo break down the free safety's blitz out of the zone package in the Cover 2 defense, they don't want seven-second shots of some pretty pop star. They want their closeup of the snot on Coach Reid's frozen mustache, thank you very much.
It's all about Travis Kelce. His sins to the MAGA morons, who take their medical advice from brain-dead former Green Bay quarterbacks? Dating a lovely, talented, successful, nice woman, and encouraging fans to get a vaccine that could well save the lives of them and their loved ones.
It's all about Taylor Swift. This much we already knew. Between the records, the concerts, the fans, the influence, and the kind of zeitgeist that comes with pretty much owning the world, she is having a pop culture moment for the ages — think Bruce Springsteen, circa mid-1980s. On the twin steroids of the internet and social media.
And much like Springsteen, whom the right envied from afar and whose approval they longed for — until they didn't — it turns out Swift is evil. Having learned their lesson from The Boss experience, the right is beating the Christmas rush and racing straight toward a hatred-filled, jealousy-ridden Holy War.
Why? Swift is once again encouraging her multitude of fans to — gasp! — vote.
To hear the MAGA media tell it, Taylor Swift, all 120 pounds of her — 250 with the gold records, awards, glowing reviews and wheel barrels of cold, hard cash — is also using a football player for “publicity.” Yes, Taylor Swift, who needs a football player's help for popularity or money like she needs another Grammy, is supposedly using the NFL. Or it is using her? We kinda lost track in the ridiculousness of it all.
During one 5-minute segment, a MAGA anchor on a Swift tirade attached his lips to Mr. Trump's bronze behind 52 times — that's more than 10 times a minute. I've always said when they break double digits on Trump slurping, gosh darn it, our country is in peril. And sure enough, the peril this time is those damn kids and their rock and roll music.
“They are totally over the top worshipping this woman,” bemoaned the man in the suit. “I think what they call it is … they are elevating her to `idol.' If you look it up in the Bible, it's a sin.”
Yes, the man on one of the networks devoted solely to lies and deceptions of Donald Trump, 24/7, with the mere questioning of Dear Leader getting you banished from the air, is worried about worshipping false idols.
In other OAN news, irony is dead.
Common sense, meanwhile, remains an endangered species. Of course, if you're going to believe Donald Trump won an election he so clearly lost, and be OK with him urinating on our democracy because he's a small little crybaby who simply can't handle losing, I suppose making the leap to a pop star and a tight end fixing a Super Bowl and an election makes some sort of sense.
So to break it down, football instant replay style, according to what's left of the intellectually bankrupt MAGA movement, the world's biggest, pop star, an insanely talented woman who is by all accounts decent, fair, generous, giving, loving and fair, is out to destroy the world, fix the Super Bowl and take down an orange blowhard.
Sad!
MAGA folks, you really Need To Calm Down.
(The columnist apologies for the previous cheap, lazy, inevitable, obligatory Taylor Swift song title reference, which — like the one that follows — he points out he is legally contracted to do with the Taylor Swift Takes Over The World clause in his contract)
Seriously people. Shake It off.