SENSE & SENSITIVTY

Longtime friends unwilling to mend fences

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have two friends who were super-close for something like 40 years, but then they had a huge falling-out a few years ago. They have not spoken to each other since. Instead, they have occasionally spoken to other close friends about the situation. Two stubborn old men who are dug in about the issue that separated them does not bode well for those of us who are part of their mutual friend group. It almost feels like high school all over again even though these men are senior citizens. I, for one, am tired of thinking about it and, more, exhausted by the fact that our friend group is splintered. Is there anything I can do or say to help them mend the fence?

Friends Again

DEAR FRIENDS AGAIN: Some rifts in relationships are permanent; others can be mended. And yes, sometimes people who are part of a friend group can nudge reconciliation along. It really depends on what happened and how egregious the violation of trust was between the two. You might ask each friend individually if the incident is truly worth severing the friendship forever. Ask them to contemplate that. Also ask if they have it in their hearts to forgive each other for whatever happened, for the good of the two of them — and for the rest of the friend group. If they are unwilling to give that a try, tell them to stop including you in the ongoing negative banter about each other. Tell them that you are unwilling to talk about their friendship dynamics.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I work with a wonderful woman on a big project, and she is generally on the ball with everything. Lately, though, something has been off. I recently learned that her sibling died suddenly, and it has thrown her for a loop. She is doing her best to complete her work, but obviously she is mourning. I offered to help her in any way I can. She asked me not to tell anyone. She is keeping this quiet, telling no clients and just trying to do her job. I get it, but the one friend we share would be eager to support her if she knew. Part of me wants to inform this woman, who is the big boss on this project, but I was asked to keep this to myself. Do you think this is a time when I should break that trust and tell the boss? I feel confident that the boss would have the right things to say and do to help this woman.

Crossing the Line

DEAR CROSSING THE LINE: Please do not betray your friend’s trust. She told you because she felt it was necessary and believed you would not tell anyone else. Let her deal with her grief and with the way she chooses to manage this horrific news. It takes a lot of energy to deal with the loss on her own, let alone to manage people’s emotions when they learn about what has happened. Honor her wishes. Be as supportive as you can by doing your part at work to the best of your ability and by staying in close touch with her.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams.)