Remorse? Of course!

It came upon me as I was finishing that chicken sandwich at or near midnight recently – a sudden rush of guilt. I still felt guilty all over again the next next morning, when I consumed three pieces of toast with breakfast, rather than two. Along with an extra strip of bacon.

Hmm, I thought, must be Eater’s Remorse. I thought I was joking. But then I started thinking.

Eater’s Remorse? Was there really such a thing? I wondered. So I looked it up.

Sure enough. There it was, along with all the other remorses one can have, like buyer’s remorse when you just closed on a house, drinker’s remorse (self explanatory), voter’s remorse, etc. Seems that just about anything one can do, if it required a decision to go ahead and do it can cause remorse under certain conditions.

So, here is Eater’s Remorse. The simplest definition is: Guilt because you’ve overindulged.

Gee, d’ya think? You mean no one ever feels Eater’s Remorse because he didn’t eat enough? Does no one ever experience anguish over the third helping not taken? Are there no cries in the night because one didn’t eat the whole pie?

Apparently not. Of course, I got to thinking about it, and I couldn’t recall a single time when I’ve left a table wishing I had eaten more.

Okay, it did happen once. But I had been very sick and had hardly eaten for about a week, throwing up most of what I did eat. I got to feeling better and actually made it to the table for dinner. I was one hungry guy, and attacked dinner with a vengeance.

Mom, obviously concerned for my wellbeing, finally made me stop eating, well before I was ready to stop, myself. That time, I definitely left the table wanting to eat more, but the argument can be made that it was a special case.

Also, in reading about Eater’s Remorse, I discovered that the so-called experts are usually referring to the guilt one feels after cheating on one’s diet.

I’ll have you know – if you don’t know already – that one does not have to be on a diet to experience Eater’s Remorse. I wasn’t on a diet when I wolfed down that chicken sandwich (with mayonnaise and bread and butter pickles; the chicken was left over from a rotisserie Walmart chick). I had no noble intentions when I made that sandwich or consumed it.

In fact, one can even be perfectly aware that guilt is coming, and still over-consume. More than once in my life, I’ve told myself, “You’re gonna hate yourself for doing this,” before I attacked something tasty which I did not need to prevent starvation or to remain in a relatively healthy state.

Sure enough, the expected guilt arrived, once it was too late to do anything to stop it. That arrival of guilt, however, did nothing to keep me from doing it all again at the next opportunity. That’s what I’m like, and that’s how many of us are, fellow creatures.

And in all this we have no one to blame but ourselves. As humans, we seem to be exceptionally talented at kicking the can of guilt down the road, in order to have some momentary pleasure now. We do it over and over. It’s like my all-time favorite cartoon quote, from Walt Kelly’s immortal “Pogo,” that “We have met the enemy, and he is us.”

If only we could experience Eater’s Remorse before eating instead of after, there might be fewer over-weight people in the world. Of course, that would be calamitous to the entire weight-loss industry, which makes untold kajillions of dollars capitalizing on human weakness.

In fact, when one thinks about it, if remorse came first, it might destroy the entire economy. Think about it for a bit. No one would ever buy another house, or a new car, or do anything which might cause a qualm later.

Some good might come from it. Along with fewer fatties like me, there would certainly be fewer drunks.

Then again, there would also probably be fewer weddings, along with fewer divorces.

It goes without saying the birth rate would almost assuredly drop dramatically if guilt came beforehand rather than afterwards. I leave it to individuals to decide for themselves whether that would be a good or a bad thing.

As hard as it may be to consider, postponing remorse might not be such a bad thing, when one considers the possible alternatives. Perhaps we should just accept ourselves as we are, and maybe try to improve a little bit in the will power department.

So maybe the next time I’m considering a midnight sandwich, and think, “You’ll hate yourself for this,” I’ll listen to the voice of conscience, and not have to face Eater’s Remorse.

Then again, writing about that chicken sandwich got me to thinking .....

(EDITOR’S NOTE: David Nichol is a freelance writer who retired from the Times-Herald. He can be contacted at nicholdb@cablelynx.com.)