Ending friendships with no explanation

DEAR AMY » I know it’s very painful to be on the receiving end of a friend breakup, but there must be more appropriate ways of doing it than how my wife and I have done it, twice.

They were friendships with two couples, and both friendships were relatively recent. One couple had a wife who could make sudden, unexpected insults. They used to be occasional, but when it happened four times over four weeks, we decided that that was enough. Done. Without explanation, we cut them out from our social events.

We had problems with both the husband and wife of the other couple. His racist and homophobic comments over several years became too much to take. (I know we should never have accepted them in the first place, but that was a learning experience for us, too.)

The wife’s know-it-all attitude was exhausting. We cut them out of social events, again without explanation.

Both of our decisions seem very passive-aggressive. I know it’s not a good thing to do. But what would you suggest as a more proper way to cut people out of our lives? — Former Friends

DEAR FORMER » In the case of the first couple, the wife might have a medical issue that has made her behavior increasingly erratic.

It would have been kindest to respond to these insults by contacting her or her husband and asking: “Are you OK? Because you don’t seem to be enjoying our company the way you used to.”

And yes, you should respond to comments that are obnoxious, unkind, or deliberately insulting to you or others — in the moment — but many of us don’t. In this case, you could communicate a version of: “We’ve listened to you insult and degrade other people over the years and haven’t spoken up. But our core values are just too different to continue our friendship.”

The quality of the friendship will determine the nature of the breakup. If you spend time with people in a routine manner (where you belong to the same organizations, for instance), you would have to establish the fact that you are breaking up, because you would continue to run into them. Otherwise, quietly withdrawing from the relationship and politely turning down further contact would telegraph that you’ve moved on.

DEAR AMY » “Sad in Silicon Valley” was saddled with serious cancer and a seriously jerky husband. I was shocked — but happy — when you told her to “Thelma and Louise the heck out of this.” I hope she runs fast and far. — A Fan

DEAR FAN » I hope she chooses to finally live for herself.