Shy guy wants to learn to connect

DEAR AMY » I am a painfully shy single young man. It takes every ounce of courage for me to make new friends and approach new people, especially girls who I am interested in. I am lonely, however, so I want to get this right.

I have purchased selfhelp books, and enrolled in a public speaking class to break through my shyness and learn how to start a conversation.

Echoed again and again is the advice to “pay a compliment.” I read your column, so I know that unsolicited compliments don’t seem to be the way to a woman’s heart. That said, what am I missing? — Clueless

DEAR CLUELESS » This is a really good question. You are correct that women (and men, too) appreciate some types of compliments, but not others.

Upon meeting a new person, you should not comment on their body, hair, eyes or face. Honestly, it’s a mine field to compliment a person’s appearance. Save the personal comments for when you know someone better.

It IS safe to compliment a woman on something she is wearing: “That’s such a cool pin; is it old?” Or you can comment on (rather than compliment) something you notice about her: “I see you have the Samsung phone. Do you like it?” (People can spend a lot of time comparing their technology.)

Ideally, you would look for commonalities — the little details that help people to connect. If you are at a party hosted by an individual, you can say, “How do you know Brett? Do you two work together?” Then you volunteer something about yourself.

The most important thing to do when meeting a new person is to listen to them, and then find a way to respond to what they say — and to read their nonverbal cues.

I hope you will find ways to meet people around an activity — whether it is a service project, sports, a hiking group, video or board gaming, or a cultural (musical, artistic) activity. Doing something in tandem with others will help you to cope with your shyness, as well as giving you something real to talk about. Good luck!

DEAR AMY » “SQ” wanted to revert to her maiden name after her divorce, but one of her sons objected.

I faced a similar dilemma years ago when I divorced, also with two sons living at home. I chose to transition to my maiden name slowly by adding it to the name I shared with my kids ... rather than Jane Doe, I became Jane Smith-Doe.

My kids became accustomed to my maiden name being part of my “official” name. When I dropped my married name after the youngest left for college, they barely noticed. — D

DEAR D » Great solution.