Asking strangers about their race

DEAR READERS » Every year, I step away from the Ask Amy column for two weeks in order to work on other writing projects.

Today’s “Best Of” column from 2010 deals with racial issues.

I’ll be back with fresh Q and A next week.

DEAR AMY » I am always curious about people’s cultural and racial background.

My 24-year-old daughter is mixedrace (black and Korean). I went to Seoul when she was 2 years old to bring her home from the orphanage.

As a result of knowing her racial makeup, I’ve sorted out what various Asians look like and can distinguish differences between people from China, Japan, Korea, Mongolia, Vietnam and the Philippines.

I am outgoing, and when I hear an accent or see someone I think is a combo like my daughter, I usually ask. People are always curious about my daughter and I’m curious about other people, too.

Am I being rude if I express curiosity about a person’s racial background? Some people like the interest. Others seem to resent it. A man in the supermarket yesterday was annoyed. He was from Sudan.

Should I keep my mouth shut? It seems politically correct to stay quiet. —J

DEAR J » You should feel free to express your abundant curiosity, but you should also accept a stranger’s right not to discuss his race or ethnicity with you.

Charging up to a person and saying, “Hi, just curious. Are you a combo?” is obnoxious. Referring to your daughter’s racial identity this way is off-putting. So is saying, “I bet I can guess your race! No, really. I’m very good at this!”

Some people aren’t going to care about your motivations for intruding upon them. This has nothing to do with being politically correct. This has to do with you engaging strangers in a personal conversation they might not feel like having.

DEAR AMY » “J” wrote that she loves to ask strangers about their race.

Should we feel free to indulge our curiosity by asking strangers about their gender? What about their sexual orientation? Age? Marital status? Religion? Why not if they’re pregnant, or HIV positive?

One way to test whether satisfying one’s curiosity is rude is to consider what would happen if the tables were turned. Imagine a white person’s indignant response if a nonwhite stranger asked his or her race.

Your advice to the always-curious J should have been, “Mind your own business.”

And the polite response when strangers ask about your race?

“Human.” — Barbara

DEAR BARBARA » Perfect. Thank you.

You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson. com and follow her on Twitter @askingamy.