Struggling with work-life balance
DEAR AMY » My boyfriend and I are in our early 20s. We have been in a longdistance relationship for 18 months.
He is my first major love and relationship. Now our current (yet tentative) plan is to move in together after my Ph.D. is done and his business settles. He is very supportive and I’m happy being with him. However, I’m not sure if I’m ready.
I’ve lost myself as I put so much energy, time and effort to our relationship, instead of investing in myself. I became emotional and I’m not as productive or disciplined as I was. I don’t know how to balance myself, as this is my first relationship. I’m not sure if a relationship is good for me or I’m ready to be in one. I want to focus and invest in myself without his influence because I’m scared of losing myself even more.
My boyfriend wants to be supportive, but we are both so clueless. Should we break up, or find a balance?
Is there a way to be in a relationship and still be your most productive/ career-driven self in your 20s? — Unsure
DEAR UNSURE » You should dial in to that feeling in your gut. Your early 20s is a time of emotional development and exploration, and in that sense, your concern about this demonstrates that you are right on track.
The ideal is to find a healthy balance, in your life and relationships. It is not unusual to feel like you’ve “lost” yourself when you first fall in love. And yes, obsessively feeding one relationship will curtail your own personal and career progress. Remember, the primary relationship in your life will always be the one you have with yourself.
You should choose to live wherever your Ph.D. takes you, in order to build a career in your field, and no — given how you are feeling, you should not cohabit until you are absolutely certain.
DEAR AMY » Your advice to “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow” was off base.
This girls’ volleyball coach had insisted that she shave her arm pits and legs.
She wears a “uniform,” as in, the coach wants his team to look “uniform.”
If this young woman wants to play volleyball that badly, then she should follow the rules.
Sure, there is gender discrimination in the world, but this smacks of too much microfeedback, and to call it discrimination goes way too far.
Instead of supporting the coach and his idea of how to be proud of his team, you rule in favor of a young teenager who now learns that she can go over his head to the school administrator for stupid stuff. — Margie
DEAR MARGIE » In my mind, demanding that this young athlete shave her body is the essence of “microfeedback.” Unless male volleyball players are also asked to shave, I think this girl should be left alone.