Establish a routine, create a schedule during virus
Dear Tracey: My mom said she saw your column again. She said it was “like having an old friend suddenly come back into my life.”
It’s perfect timing, because I have a question. My Mom is 78 and recovering in a board and care home following a car accident last month. It’s a small place, only six residents. Very nice people, but like every other place, they are sheltering in place which means no visitors.
My poor mom is more miserable than before and she was pretty low then, just counting the days until she got to go home. Before, I’d go by after work and always bring the kids over to visit. My brother would stop by to see her on the weekends. Sometimes, I’d pop over and have lunch with her. I really tried to stay connected to her, because I knew it was the very thing she relied on to make it through this experience.
But now? Everything is awful. My husband and I have both been laid off from our jobs and now we’re home with our two kids, 2 and 4 years old. We feel totally scattered. To make it worse, my poor mother cries every time I call her. She wants me to bring her home to our house so she can wait out this scary time with family. I don’t blame her for feeling this way. I wish I could, but we have no place for her. (We are a family of four in a two-bedroom house. We were hoping to buy a house this year, but now we’ll be giving off our savings.)
What can possibly I do for my poor mother? — Signed, Sad.
Dear Reader: Thank you for your email. Regretfully, I imagine many people will relate to your circumstances.
While you wrote primarily out of concern for your mother and her situation, let’s talk about your little family first because all of you have been turned upside down. You’ll all do better, including your mother, if you have a more solid base.
This pandemic and the necessary shelter in place order has hit hard — very, very hard. (Some days I still find myself wondering how this can be happening? But, it is.) Both our daughters are home with their children, so I have some sense of the bedlam (!) you are juggling. But, I can’t begin to imagine what it must be like for both you and your husband to be without work, living off of your savings for that home you’ve been dreaming of for probably a good long time. I am so sorry.
These circumstances must have left you mucking through every imaginable emotion. There’s fear of the unknown, money worries, frustration about not having any control over your own lives, grief over the lives you had just a few short days ago. And, if I had a toddler and preschooler underfoot … in a small house … during wet weather … and a pandemic? Let’s add a certain amount of understandable frustration and irritation to your list of concerns.
To help all four of you, here are a couple of tips:
1) Establish a routine. Get up at a regular time and make sure naps and bedtimes for your kids are maintained. This kind of predictability will make all of you feel better.
2) Create a daily schedule. Since your kids aren’t in school, you don’t have their work to keep track of but this also means you have more hours in your day to fill up. Sit down and map out every day of the week. There are so many free resources and activities now available on the internet. Both you and your husband can look for appropriate activities. Post each day’s schedule on the fridge so you both have a point of reference.
3) Include physical activity for all of you in your daily schedule. Put on kid-friendly exercise videos that you do together. A family dance party at some point in the day will make you feel better. Kids love to do simple yoga, which is a very healthy thing for a family to share. Create an obstacle course for your little ones. Take a walk through the woods or on the beach. (Just make sure you practice appropriate social distancing!) Keep moving, no matter what!
4) Use technology for social interaction. Set up regular FaceTime sessions with your mother. You can even prop up your device on the table and “share” lunch with her. Reach out to your brother on a regular basis and chat. Connect with your friends too. All of this will help with the isolation, while connecting with those you care about and value.
5) Limit your family’s exposure to the news. (I probably don’t even have to mention this, but kids as young as the two you have shouldn’t even be watching the news.) Make sure you monitor your own viewing as well. While it’s good to stay informed of this rapidly moving situation, constantly checking your phone or device will only make you feel worse.
6) During dinner, talk about one thing each of you missed during the day and then, follow this up with one thing each of you enjoyed. Always, always try to focus on the positives.
7) To deal with the understandable anxiety this situation is bring up in all of us, make an effort to shift your attention away from the “what ifs.” Focus on what is right in front of you. While it is important for you and your husband to have a clear understanding of your current finances, don’t be consumed by trying to second guess the future. It will only make both of you feel worse. By all means, shield your children from these grownup feelings. As much as possible, they need to be living in happy little bubbles right now!
To be continued in tomorrow’s paper …
Clarification
In my column that ran last Sunday, I wrote: “Know that family, friends, neighbors and caregivers who come into your home to just visit or to provide support must be symptom free, meaning no fever, cough or other respiratory symptoms. And yes, even in the privacy of your very own home … keep your distance from one another.”
This was the recommendation before we were ordered to shelter in place. Now, we should all be carefully limiting who comes into our homes, symptom free or not. (Symptoms of the COVID-19 can take up to 14 days to present.) The best practice for all of us is quite simple; limit social interaction to those under your own roof! If you have a caregiver who comes into your home, make sure he/she fully understands the stringent requirements necessary for your safety. If you have any questions, call the agency that employs your caregiver and ask about what training their employees have received.
Tracey Barnes Priestley is a life coach with a master’s degree in community counseling psychology and more than 30 years of experience as a counselor, educator and consultant. Visit her website, www.thesecondhalfonline. com; email her at: tracey@ thesecondhalfonline.com; or send letters to 665 F St., Arcata, CA, 95521. Tracey regrets she cannot answer all letters and emails.