Wanting partner to go under the knife

DEAR AMY » I’ve been with my partner for two years — he is 15 years older.

We don’t want kids together for the foreseeable future.

I hate using birth control. I hate what it does to my body/hormones, despite the fact that it protects me from unwanted pregnancy (which I am grateful for).

I’ve asked my boyfriend if he could store his sperm at a sperm bank and get a vasectomy so that I can go off of birth control.

He comes up with excuses as to why he shouldn’t, such as: “It’ll change me as a man” and, “I need to do more research.” I certainly understand needing to do more research — who wouldn’t! However, it’s been almost a year since I originally brought this idea up to him.

The idea behind this decision is: If we decide to have kids later on (I’m still in my 20s), I’ll still be able to try and conceive with the sperm that we’ve stored.

I resent that I’m forced to continue to use birth control, despite the fact that neither of us wants children, just because “he doesn’t want to.” I also resent the fact that a man’s only forms of “birth control” are abstinence and condoms.

If we were the same age, I would probably just get sterilized myself. But again, I’m in my 20s and I don’t see this as the best option at the moment.

He’s in his 40s and has yet to conceive children.

I feel like I’m forced to suffer just because my partner doesn’t understand my point of view and isn’t viewing this situation in the most ethical, economical sense.

What should I do? — Not Planning on Pregnancy DEAR PLANNING » Underlying this birth control challenge might be questions about your relationship, as well as perhaps unexpressed feelings (on his part) surrounding the idea of possibly never having children.

A vasectomy is a surgical procedure that, while low risk (and surgically reversible in some cases), is considered permanent. In order for your boyfriend to participate in your plan, he would “donate” and store sperm, and then also have this surgery. Either of these things might cause anxiety in some men — the idea of having both of these experiences might be paralyzing for him. His: “It will change me as a man” is a nonstarter — but is indicative of how reluctant he is to make this commitment. He should communicate with other men who have had this procedure, to see what it is like!

You should both do additional research with medical sources (I am not one), and you should do this together — and share and discuss your findings. Together.

Otherwise, you should investigate using an overthe-counter spermicide along with him using a condom. Every single time. This more-or-less balances the responsibility for birth control between the two of you.