Distance, disease rattle relationship

DEAR AMY » I’m gay and in a long-distance relationship with my partner/ boyfriend. I live in a city on the East Coast and he lives in a city on the West Coast.

I visit as often as I can, but until we can live together, we’re not monogamous.

I don’t hook up much, but I believe and accept that my boyfriend does. However — this creates a problem these days: I suspect he’s still hooking up even during this pandemic. (I’m not).

He won’t ever talk with me about his “other” sex life (he does discuss this with his local friends, however). I don’t know where or how to begin, because I know I’ll only get denial from him.

What can I do about him staying safe these days, given I don’t really know what he is doing, and he won’t say?

To me, staying safe means not hooking up at all, and I don’t think he’s willing to do that. — Worried

DEAR WORRIED » Your relationship is imbalanced. From what you write, it sounds as if you’re the guy who gets on a plane to travel across the country. You are the partner who discloses honestly what you are doing, how you are feeling and who you are hanging out with (at this point, nobody).

Your guy doesn’t sound compliant — to any particular social, ethical or relationship construct.

If he wanted to be emotionally intimate with you, he would answer your questions honestly, risking a conversation he obviously does not want to have. Instead, he would rather communicate with his local friends and keep you in the dark.

You cannot keep him safe. You can only try your hardest to keep yourself safe. The coronavirus is not the only virus you risk contracting if you physically reunite with your boyfriend. (Always practice safe sex and get tested for STDs.)

I hope you will find someone geographically and ethically closer to you. Your West Coast guy does not sound like a good bet for a longterm, serious, loving and monogamous relationship, which sounds like what you ultimately want.

DEAR AMY » You were WAY too nice to “Cold Feet,” whose future inlaws were challenging, high-maintenance types.

I would have told her to quit being an obnoxious brat and learn some people skills.

It’s been said, “A woman marries a man thinking he’ll change. A man marries a woman thinking she won’t change. They’re both wrong.”

I don’t even want to think about what this gal will become once she’s married. — Disgusted

DEAR DISGUSTED » Hopefully — if she follows my advice — it won’t come to that.