Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Happy Hanukkah
Welcome to the second annual COVID holidays, where we now get together with our vaccinated family members and friends and pray we don’t get Omicron. Holidays can be stressful enough during non-COVID times with the harsh winter making travel challenging. On Christmas Day, airlines canceled 900 flights and over 1,000 were delayed mainly due to their air and ground crews getting COVID. Throw in rain, wind, thunder and snowstorms and travel can be downright challenging during the holiday season.
Now ya got your crazy family coming over for Christmas celebration. Mom sets the ground rules every year of no talking politics, religion or sex during the holidays, but no one ever pays mind these days.
First we’ve got Uncle Frank, who drinks way too much for a family get-together and wears his red MAGA cap everywhere spouting off the latest conspiracy theories. “Did you know President Trump will be reinstated to his rightful Presidency by New Year’s Day?”
Then ya got your niece Jenny who drove up from UC Berkeley with her latest tats and piercings. “Uncle Frank, why would Trump need to be reinstated if he’s still President? By the way, Biden won. Trump lost. Deal with it snowflake.”
“I see we have our little commie back in town.”
“It’s called progressive, Uncle Frank. That means we want all 335 million Americans to have better lives, not just 600 billionaire families. Besides, who’s the commie with your free Social Security disability check and your free Medicaid paid for by my hard-earned tax dollars, you’re welcome! When was the last decade you actually worked for a living?”
“I hurt my back on the job!” “What, 15, 20 years ago? I’ve seen pictures of you chopping wood on Facebook. Ya sure seem healthy. For your present this year, I got ya Trump Care for all your medical needs.”
Mom says, “Now, now. Thank god we’re all vaccinated. I miss our family gatherings.” Everyone nods their heads in approval, except for Uncle Frank, who turns away. Mom says, “Frank, you’re vaccinated, right? We all agreed that to safely meet in person this year, we all had to be vaccinated.”
Frank says, “None of your business whether I got the Fauci ouchie or not. That’s HIPAA law. It’s my personal freedom and none of you need to know.”
Jenny says, “Wrong Uncle Frank. HIPAA only applies to medical professionals and hospitals giving out your medical information. Got nothing to do with you telling us the truth. It is our business whether someone indoors and in close proximity to us can spread a communicable highly contagious virus. It’s called science.”
I keep trying to change the conversation to no avail. “Hey, did you see the Niner game the other day? Are they keeping Jimmy G next year or what?”
Frank says, “Fauci lied. He funded that Chinese Wuhan lab that gave us the China virus.”
Jenny says, “Uncle Frank, where do you get your news?”
Frank, “That’s none of your damn business. But I can assure you it ain’t from any of them Fake News sources.”
Jenny shakes her head and says, “Ya mean like the Washington Post and CNN?”
Frank gets on a roll, “Fake News! Fake News! Fake News!”
Mom tries to keep the calm, but let’s be real… that went out the window in 2015 when one man drove the wedge between reality and fantasy and made pathological lying a national pastime. Things quickly spiral outta control when Uncle Frank, wearing his QAnon T-shirt starts going off on how Tom Hanks eats baby blood and JFK stands backstage at every Trump rally.
Mom’s really confused now and so you try to explain QAnon to her between Uncle Frank’s rants on hundreds of thousands of babies being kidnapped each year. Finally mom understands the QAnon is peepee ca-ca, AKA: crazy. She turns to Frank and says, “Frank, you’re my brother and I love you. However, you’ve been a little off your whole life and once 2015 hit, you got sucked down the rabbit hole of crazy town. So sit down, shut up, finish your meal and then leave till next year.”
We all stare at mom, who never raises her voice. Jenny starts laughing and clapping.
Welcome to family gatherings during the intersection of COVID and crazy. Thank god the purple liquid can turn to clear or brown liquid, if necessary. It’s what gets us through the holidays with our toxic families.