Finding a social circle
Dear Harriette: I don’t have a close group of friends or a social circle. I don’t normally care, but the friends that I do have all have their own groups of friends outside of me. I am not sure if I would be happier with or without a go-to social circle, but I wouldn’t even know where to start. How can I find a social circle as an adult? — Want a Friend Group
Dear Want a Friend Group: Not everyone has a social circle. Some people are more like loners and have only individual friendships. Your own natural rhythm is fine, even if it is different from others’. Interestingly, if you look closely at other people, you may notice that even the most gregarious of them may be floaters, going from one group of friends to another. Others may be closer to a core group that lasts for life.
Rather than longing for something that hasn’t been your norm, notice how you naturally form relationships. Who are your friends, and what do you like about them? What is unique about your relationships with the people you care about? What makes the friendship tick? What makes you happy, and what saddens or annoys you?
As you get clear on your preferences, you can open your eyes and see others as potential new friends. Look for qualities that appeal to you. Perhaps you will curate a group of friends, or you may select one or two new people over time. Trust yourself to welcome people who belong in your life.
Dear Harriette: I am dating someone who thinks they know more about my culture than I do. I am a Black American who is dating a white American. They majored in African American studies in college. I didn’t attend college.
We were having a casual conversation the other day when it turned into a debate about my knowledge on all things Africa.
They implied that they have more in-depth knowledge about Black culture than I do because of their studies. I thought this was incredibly offensive, wrong and inappropriate to say. How could you know more about my culture than I do? I have firsthand experience, and they could never understand that. I don’t think I care to see them again after that conversation. Would I be overreacting if I cut them off for this? — Disrespectful Date
Dear Disrespectful Date: Don’t give up yet. Instead, sit down and have a talk. Your date obviously wants to know about your culture, which is why they chose to study it in college. That is a good thing. They also chose to date someone who is African American, likely because they truly are attracted to you and your culture. These are good things.
What’s not good is the sense of superiority they exhibited when talking about your culture in the recent argument. Was their attitude wrong? Yes, but that’s what often happens in an argument. Even so, by the way, your date may truly know more about Black culture than you do in some respects. However, it was short-sighted and inconsiderate of them to say that to you. What they know has come from reading and studying. What you know has come from lived experience.
If you can get past the outrage you currently feel because your date was insensitive, you may find it intriguing to debate with them about culture, race and life. You will need to set them straight, though, that their college degree does not give them a leg up on the reality you have lived as an African American.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@ harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.