Dealing with a friend who still lives in the past

Dear Harriette: Every time I see a certain friend from home, he spends the whole time together going down memory lane. This is a bit awkward since we actually see each other a few times a year. We have full lives — or at least I do — and I rarely reminisce about what I did in middle school, high school or college. We are well into our 50s now. How can I get him to talk about current days? It’s almost as if his happiness resides in the past, so that’s all he wants to think about. I don’t share that sentiment, and I do not want to stop and drum up old stories all the time. — Be Here Now

Dear Be Here Now: Next time you see this fellow, ask him about his life today. If he reverts to yesteryear, bring him back. Find out whatever you can about who he is now. Is he married? Does he have children? What’s going on for him? Perhaps he finds peace in the past because he has suffered some kind of challenge. Try to figure out what it is. Do your best to get him to talk to you about now. This may push him away or shut him down. That’s OK, especially if you are unwilling to continue reminiscing with him.

Also, listen closely to see how coherent he is. There is a chance he is suffering memory loss. Sometimes people get stuck in the past when that’s the only safe place for their minds to rest. You cannot do anything about that, but if it seems to be the case, you may be able to muster up a bit more compassion when talking to him.

Dear Harriette: A few months ago, I told a good friend that I was having trouble in my marriage. My husband and I were out recently and ran into her, and she gave him the cold shoulder. It was uncomfortable and unnecessary. The energy of the evening changed dramatically because he started wondering what was wrong. It spoiled our night. When I asked her later why she did that, she reminded me of the conversation we had had. I reminded her that our talk was confidential and she shouldn’t be all up in our business. My husband is still wondering what happened. I have never talked to him directly about the stuff was bothering me that I shared with my friend. Should I tell him now? And do I dare tell him that I talked to her about it? — What’s Going On?

Dear What’s Going On?: First, check your friend. If she is to be a confidant, she should not judge your husband when she sees him. She should remain neutral. Otherwise, she can no longer fill this role for you.

Since you haven’t talked to your husband about your issue with him, now is a great time. Leave her out of it, though. Tell him you have something you need to discuss, and go for it. Describe your issue to him clearly so that he can see your side. Ask him to tell you what he thinks. Use this opportunity to communicate openly.