Long-ago date wants to give belated feedback
DEAR AMY >> I dated “C” for only a month in 2020.
It was obviously not long term. I was the one who broke it off. I have not contacted him since. Recently, I logged onto Facebook for the first time in a long time, and I noticed that he has been messaging me over the course of the last two years — and as recently as last week (which is odd since he has my phone number).
It’s clear that he wants to get back together, but I have no interest in reconnecting with him.
I’m now wondering if I should tell him the reasons I broke off the relationship.
Telling him would be purely selfish and therapeutic (for me).
I never told him all the things that bothered me, and if I did now, I’d finally be able to get it off my chest.
Additionally, maybe he’ll be willing to take this feedback for what it is?
I’m NOT claiming I can change him, but what if my feedback helps?
It’s clear he’s not had much luck maintaining a committed relationship (based on all the messages I’ve received over the years), so maybe he’ll be willing to listen?
However, I hesitate for a few reasons.
The truth will sound harsh — because it is.
At the top of the list is that he was immature, racist, and unscrupulous (i.e., stealing from his job), along with a long laundry list of other terrible behavior.
I wonder if I’m even the right person to tell him these things.
I only knew him for a month, so perhaps I’m being too judgmental?
Should I just let him continue on his own journey? — Hesitant
DEAR HESITANT >> Helpful feedback might be: “You’re late too often. Your hygiene needs improvement. Your roommates are rude.”
This guy’s infractions (aside from his immaturity) are all things he already knows are wrong — because we all know they’re wrong: He’s racist. He’s a thief.
Feedback in this context would only be a recitation of your own values. Self-improvement is not on the horizon for him — unless he expresses a desire for it, which he doesn’t seem to have done.
He is messaging you because he can. Your lack of response doesn’t seem to discourage him.
I suggest that you continue not to respond, consider blocking him, and hope that he is messaging you on FB because he has lost your number.