Starbucks, Dunkin' and more: Who has the best frozen coffee drink?

It's winter in the United States, and while that may mean something different in California than it does in, say, Maine, it's still cold. The Chicagoan in me hangs his head in shame as the 50-degree temperatures feel like a polar vortex to my nowtender skin.

And what better time, honestly, than when there's a chill in the weather to do a round-up of slushy, freezing-cold, blended coffee beverages? You may know them as Frappuccinos, Ice Blendeds, Frozen Coffees or one of a number of different monikers; I simply know them as an answer to the question: How can I turn my morning cup of coffee into dessert?

To reiterate, before my email inbox burns to the ground: This is not about coffee or iced coffee drinks. This is specifically about frozen coffee drinks, those with a texture like a Slurpee or granita.

This is by no means an exhaustive survey, but I tried 45 different kinds of these puppies and eight distinct brands, so I feel like I have a good lay of the land. That, and I've ingested so much sugar, I'm more hopped up than a craft brewery in San Diego. I have not ranked these strictly by best to worst but rather have thrown them into loose categories: the good, the not so bad and the ugly.

Most of the Krispy Kreme Frozen Lattes

I have good news and bad news. The good news is that, yes, it's doughnut specialist Krispy Kreme, of all places, that makes some of the best frozen coffee drinks you'll find in all the land. They've figured out the texture perfectly — it's creamy but not so thick you can't sip it through a straw. It's suitably slushy but doesn't veer into excessively icy.

Now the bad news: Two flavors I absolutely loved, peppermint mocha and hazelnut, you may not be able to enjoy anytime soon. Peppermint mocha is a holiday flavor, and during a phone call to my local Krispy Kreme store, I was told — heartbreakingly, tragically told — that hazelnut would be discontinued sometime in January.

So here's a brief eulogy for those flavors: R.I.P. hazelnut Frozen Latte. You actually tasted like a smooth, mild-roasted chocolate Ferrero Rocher candy instead of a mouthful of Coffee-mate. You will be missed. Peppermint mocha, we hardly knew ye. You had a potent mint punch and sweetness that didn't overpower. I felt like I could, and wanted to, drink an entire one of these. Hope to see you again in slightly under a year.

But let's end on a positive note. You won't go wrong with any regularly available Krispy Kreme flavors, like caramel, mocha and vanilla. They're nicely blended, balanced and flavorful without clobbering you with sucrose.

Dutch Bros. Cocomo Freeze

Coffee chain Dutch Bros., with a cute little windmill logo, has hundreds of locations nationwide. If you happen to be near one, consider stopping by. Dutch Bros.' take on the slushy coffee drink, called a Dutch Freeze, is excellent. The Cocomo has a mild, nutty coconut flavor and is reminiscent of a frozen Mounds bar, for those of you who are fans.

Dunkin' Donuts Frozen Coffee

We all know why we get Dunkin' Donuts coffee. Here's a hint: It's not because you want to taste coffee. It's because you want sweet, creamy candy with just a hint of coffee flavor. And the Frozen Coffee is exactly what you expect and want it to be. It is a cup of Dunkin' coffee, in the form of a shopping mall Icee. It's rich and sweet, resembling a coffee milkshake more than any of the other brands, and it's totally delightful.

McDonald's Caramel Frappe

McDonald's is going pretty heavily into its McCafé brand and has transformed itself into, among other things, a decent place to get an average cup of coffee. It has two flavors of blended coffee drinks too, caramel and mocha, of which caramel is clearly superior. It's one of the only caramel-flavored drinks I tried that doesn't cross a line into cloying while maintaining a steady, buttery caramel flavor.

Starbucks Java Chip Frappuccino

We now come to Starbucks, the world's largest coffee chain, which has, ironically, some of the world's worst coffee. It's fair to say that Starbucks owes a lot to the Frappuccino, the famous portmanteau that was originally developed by Boston-based chain the Coffee Connection, which was acquired by Starbucks, along with rights to the drink's name, for $23 million in 1994. You think Starbucks is pretty happy with its end of the deal? The Frappuccino has become the standard-bearer of the frozen coffee drink and, while not actually the best one out there, has the broadest, most well-considered menu of flavors. The Java Chip is a perennial favorite, with a satisfying chocolaty grit that's fun to chew but doesn't turn into labor.