Parent keeps close eye on son at college

Dear Harriette: My son is in college now, and it’s really difficult for me to stop calling or texting him on a daily basis. A friend of mine reminded me that this is his time to begin to exert his independence. If I am too attached to him, he won’t have the space to do that. She also pointed out that when we were in college, we didn’t have cellphones, so it wasn’t possible for our mothers to be so smothering. We had no choice but to grow up on our own. Of course that was true then, but this is now. I find it nearly impossible not to reach out each day. When I have been successful and a week has gone by, I find myself chastising my son for not contacting me sooner. How can I better manage this transition? — Get a Grip

Dear Get a Grip: A child going off to college can be challenging for both parent and child, but often it is harder for the parent for a host of reasons. At the top is the fact that your life has not changed that much in terms of your routines while your child is experiencing a plethora of new people, situations, locations and opportunities. Your child’s life just became exciting, and yours likely feels like there is a huge void where once there was a giant ball of light and energy.

You need to fill your time with a new kind of excitement. Consider adopting a hobby, taking on a significant project around the house, planning a vacation, prepping for a marathon. Come up with something that can occupy your time and help you stop obsessing over your son. Do not make him feel guilty when he reaches out. Just listen and learn about his life as you fill yours with activities that are meaningful for you.

Dear Harriette: I invited a friend of mine on a group trip for my birthday. She told me that she may not be able to come but asked that I reserve her spot and told me that she would pay me back for the nonrefundable deposit. Six other friends were coming, and they all paid for everything on time. I kindly asked my one friend to let me know if she couldn’t make it before the deadline. She let me know the day after the deposit was due that she couldn’t make it. She is now refusing to pay me back for the deposit because she isn’t coming on the trip. Unfortunately, her inaction resulted in my loss of the deposit. I understand that circumstances happen, but I was clear about what was expected and the consequence of not responding in time. What should I do? — Pay Me Back

Dear Pay Me Back: The mistake you made was not following the protocol of the trip. You knew the deposit was nonrefundable. She should have paid for it, not you. Of course, since she promised to pay you back, she should. But you know how the “shoulda coulda wouldas” go, right? You may have to eat the loss. Make it clear to your friend that you made a concession for her in good faith, and you are disappointed that she broke her agreement. That’s all you can do.