Learning to let go
Currently, I’m processing some grief. It’s not “big picture” grief about the loss of a family member or friend, more about relationship changes and realizing that certain chapters of my life are over.
The ability to process grief and loss becomes more and more important as we age. I know you get it; everyone grieves. Yick.
A friend asked me how I was doing with it and I replied, “Pretty well, all things considered. I don’t like it but I’m close to accepting it for what it is. I’m trying to surrender to it and let it be.”
He was surprised by the use of the word, “surrender.” I think he mistook it for giving up. That’s a long preamble to what precipitated this column.
One cannot go through life without facing challenges that test our strength, determination, and perseverance, leaving us with two seemingly similar alternatives: surrendering (acceptance) or giving up. Although these might appear to be the same, there are significant differences in their meanings and what each implies in how we handle our lives.
I developed a three-step process when I’m in a situation I don’t like:
1) Can I change it?
2) Can I leave it?
3) If not, how do I surrender to it and accept it?
Too many old Westerns have caused many to equate “surrender” with throwing down your guns, walking out with your hands up, and laying prostrate on the ground. That, however, is — quite literally — “giving up.”
Some mistakenly believe that surrendering means abandoning our goals or dreams. That’s certainly not the case. Rather, surrendering allows us to be flexible, adaptive and openminded, giving us the ability to explore new possibilities and grow beyond who we thought we were.
So let’s start with “surrender,” the act of acceptance and letting go. Surrendering means acknowledging that the situation is beyond your control to do anything about it. Surrendering is not weakness or defeat; instead, I’d go so far as to say it represents courage, wisdom and maturity, forcing us to confront our ego, step back from what we really want and embrace the reality of what actually is.
Some mistakenly believe that surrendering means abandoning our goals or dreams. That’s certainly not the case. Rather, surrendering allows us to be flexible, adaptive and openminded, giving us the ability to explore new possibilities and grow beyond who we thought we were.
Emotionally, surrender can bring a sense of relief and freedom, removing us from the weight of constant struggle and providing a space for healing and self-reflection. As I stated, surrendering can be courageous, requiring us to confront our fears and insecurities, to ultimately pave the way for personal growth and transformation.
In Dante’s “Inferno,” Dante passes through the gate of hell, which bears an inscription ending with a phrase frequently translated as “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.” That is “giving up”: ending hope or ceasing to make an effort to overcome a challenge.
Unlike surrender, giving up comes from a sense of fruitlessness, helplessness or exhaustion in the face of adversity. Giving
up can manifest in various forms, such as prematurely abandoning goals, ambitions or relationships. While it’s true that, sometimes, certain goals and projects no longer fit in our lives and it can be a wise decision to release them; that’s not so much “giving up” as it is “letting go.”
Unlike surrender, giving up tends to close doors and limit personal growth. It can lead to regrets and a sense of unfulfilled potential. Giving up may also perpetuate a cycle of negativity, making it difficult to face future challenges with resilience and determination.
The key is knowing whether to keep keeping on or to let go, a delicate, often-difficult balancing act. Sure, there are situations where perseverance and tenacity are essential. However, there are also times when we continue to invest time, energy and resources into something that no longer serves us or aligns with who we really know ourselves to be. In those cases, acknowledging that it’s time to let go and move on is an act of self-compassion and strength.
The bottom line is the difference between surrendering and giving up lies in the mindset and attitude with which we approach the situation. Surrendering is about embracing the present moment, letting go of what is out of our control and being open to what might present itself. It empowers us to face adversity with grace and resilience, leading to personal growth and inner strength.
On the other hand, giving up represents a sense of defeat and resignation. It involves abandoning hope and the potential for growth. Knowing when to surrender and when to persist is summed up brilliantly with the Serenity Prayer used by so many 12-step groups:
God, grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Scott “Q” Marcus, RScP, is a life coach and Religious Science Practitioner, as well as a professional speaker and the founder of the inspirational Facebook Group, Intentions Affirmations Manifestations. Stay in touch by signing up for his newsletter at www.ThisTimeIMeanIt.com/signup.