Correct untrue statements without judgment
DEAR HARRIETTE >> My parents separated when I was much younger. Growing up, I had one wealthy parent and one low-income parent, and I was raised by the latter. I find it frustrating when people make assumptions that I grew up spoiled just because of my wealthy parent. It hurts me to think that people might perceive me as privileged when that’s not my reality. I find it rude to assume anyone’s financial status, really. I usually let people make their assumptions, but it’s always bothered me. Moving forward, how should I handle this? — Mind Your Business
DEAR MIND YOUR BUSINESS >> People will have their thoughts, and you cannot control that. What you can do is share your life with people as you get to know them. Without dissing either parent, you can describe what your upbringing was like — when it is appropriate. Many children of divorced parents have uneven relationships with wealth, money and social stature, depending on which parent provides for them. The disparities can be jarring at times. While that may be your experience, it is not necessary for you to relive all of that all of the time. Instead, let people get to know you. When they state a belief about you that is untrue, correct it gently and without judgment. DEAR HARRIETTE >> There was a major falling-out in my friend group before my last semester ended. Two girls from our group of nine were rude to us and backstabbed us on more than one occasion. Some of us decided that we should remove ourselves from their lives; however, my best friend in the group remained friends with the two girls. We told her that we would not dictate who she can and cannot be friends with, but it is extremely awkward when she brings them up in conversation.
Many children of divorced parents have uneven relationships with wealth, money and social stature, depending on which parent provides for them. The disparities can be jarring at times.
My group is worried that she is playing both sides and that every time she tells us something about the two girls, she is in turn telling them something about us. As her best friend, I do not want to tell her what she can and cannot do, but I also don’t know how to spark a conversation with her to explain that we do not want to hear about the other girls anymore and that they should not hear anything about us.
Do you have any advice as to how to be mature going into this talk without making it seem like we are giving her an ultimatum?
— Friend Ultimatum
DEAR FRIEND ULTIMATUM >>
This is awkward and challenging to work through. You cannot dictate who another person can have as friends even if you want to. You can, however, attempt to draw the line by telling your best friend that you know how awkward the situation is. Remind her of what happened that precipitated the breakup between the two groups. Ask your best friend to stop talking about those two to your larger friend group, including you, and ask her to respect you and the others by keeping you out of her mouth when she is engaging those two. This will be hard and might not be possible for her to do. To enforce it, you can cut her off when she starts mentioning them. Remind her that it is for the mental health of all parties that nobody talks about them. Do that enough times, and she may stop.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.