Rules for a happy long-term relationship

One of the more common sessions I have as a practitioner and a coach revolves around how to —find — and maintain — a happy, longterm relationship. As I learned many years ago, “Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce. Of those that remain, 90 percent end in boredom. If you want to be the 5 percent that stays happy, it's going to take some work.”

There are as many opinions about how to have a happy relationship as there are happy relationships. So, consider this one of those millions of ideas. Looking back on three decades of being in a happy, supportive longterm relationship and marriage with my lovely, talented, creative (very patient) wife, I pass along my take on how to stay married — and happy — over the long term.

Rule #1: Love your partner for who he or she is today, not whom you think you can change them into “down the road.”

Assume s/he is as good a partner as s/he'll ever be RIGHT NOW. Don't believe that living together will make them “come around” to your thinking. If s/he has what you consider annoying traits, don't make the blunder of thinking how you'll change them after you're married. Accept them as they are, not who you'll think they'll be. If s/he's not who you desire now, she sure as heck won't be later.

Rule #2: Realize that there are three — not two — entities in your relationship.

There's “you” and “me” of course. But there's also “us.” Each needs nurturing and support. I need stretches to just be “me.” You need periods to just be “you.” And we must carve out time to be “us.” Friction is often the result of one or more of the three being overlooked. It goes without saying, that if we don't spend time as a couple, why stay together? Yet, conversely, we can't do everything as a pair no matter how close we are. Take time apart. Look forward to being together. Enjoy both.

Rule #3: Given the choice between being “right” or being “happy,” choose the latter.

Although my first marriage didn't last (hence the term, “first marriage”) we got along well most of the time. We were in our 20s, full of youthful enthusiasm, and enjoyed the same things — even sometimes coordinating how we dressed so we'd look “super cute” when we went out (remember, we were in our 20s). As long as we were in lockstep with each other, everything flowed. When we disagreed, all hell broke loose.

The problem wasn't that we didn't love each other; the issue was that we had unrealistic expectations about what that love looked like, accepting the naive societal meme that good relationships are all romance, candy and flowers. Sure, we'd all like that to be the case, but 20 percent of any LTR involves the business of life, i.e. paying bills, cleaning the house or discussing life plans.

The other difficulty we had was a lack of conflict-management skills so when those dissimilarities surfaced, each disagreement became a stab that never healed. Eventually, the scars were too deep to be reconciled.

The reality is that even the best relationships cause some pain. There's no way around it. After all, you're two different people.

To that end, the vast majority of those quarrels begin as trivial dissimilarities. When that happens, slow down long enough to ask yourself, “Is this really worth an argument?” If it is, talk it out with respect — and the understanding that there's probably “right” on both sides. If it's not worth a fight — and most things aren't (or you're in the wrong relationship) — let it go. Honor the request. Smile while you do it.

Rule #4: Don't keep score.

If you find yourself saying, “I've told you a thousand times…” it doesn't mean they're not listening. It means you're not communicating. My ex used to say, “I want it on the record that I cleaned the bathroom the last three times.”

There are as many opinions about how to have a happy relationship as there are happy relationships. So, consider this one of those millions of ideas.

“Duly noted,” I replied, feeling like it was being tallied on my “permanent record” like we all supposedly had in elementary school. Instead of making virtual tick marks about who's doing what, ask directly for what you need. If you get what you want,

say “thank you.” If not, see Rule #3.

Rule #5: Understand that the look and feel of the relationship will change.

Passion ebbs and flows but love and respect only deepen. Having said that, bring home flowers; schedule date nights; surprise him or her with gifts, hold hands in public and hug often. Tell your life partner how proud and how much in love you are with them. Tell them you'd do it all over again. Find new ways to do all of the above.

Scott “Q” Marcus coaches individuals and consults with companies on how to implement and handle change. He can be reached at scottq@scottqmarcus.com or his motivational Facebook page: Intentions Affirmations Manifestations.