Directness doesn't have to be hurtful
DEAR HARRIETTE >> I have always valued honesty and transparency in my interactions with others.
I strive to provide a realistic perspective and offer straightforward feedback or advice. However, it seems that this approach is not always appreciated or well-received.
Rather than being seen as someone who is genuine and reliable, I find that my straightforwardness is often interpreted as insensitivity or even harshness.
It can be disheartening to witness the negative reactions and anger that arise from my attempts to be honest and realistic.
I feel caught in a difficult position. On one hand, I want to maintain my integrity and authenticity by expressing my honest thoughts and opinions.
On the other hand, I also want to foster positive and healthy relationships without causing unnecessary conflict or upsetting those around me. I want to find a way to express myself honestly while also being mindful of others' feelings and emotions.
It is important for me to strike a balance between being straightforward and being sensitive to the needs and perspectives of those I interact with. — Too Straightforward
DEAR TOO STRAIGHTFORWARD >>
The Sufi poet Rumi is credited with something that may help guide your interactions with others. Before speaking, run your thoughts through the Four Gateways of Speech.
Ask yourself these questions about what you are about to say: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it timely? Is it kind? Pause to consider each of those questions before you open your mouth.
When you do that, inevitably you will edit your words, choose a different moment or sometimes say nothing at all.
Directness has its place. Learn when and how to be direct so that you are honest without being hurtful.
DEAR HARRIETTE >>
I am a 25-year-old woman living in Phoenix, far from my family as I start my professional life. I have made a friend who is frustrating me because she never seems to take initiative or follow through on plans.
I always have to reach out to her to hang out, and when we do make plans, she cancels half the time.
When we manage to get together, she will show up on average one hour late. I feel as if she doesn't care about me, and my patience is wearing down because she has wasted hours of my time. We have been friends for two years, and I enjoy her company because she is very funny.
Once she does manage to get to where we are meeting, I often forget all of the irritation she caused me. Still, her communication and flakiness are causing tension in our relationship.
I'm not sure how to address this without her getting extremely defensive, but it's becoming frustrating.
How can I communicate my concerns about her lack of initiative and follow-through without damaging our friendship? — Is It Worth It? DEAR IS IT WORTH IT? >> Set boundaries around your engagement with this person. Don't allow your loneliness to give her a pass when she is being rude or thoughtless.
Give her a short grace period for being late, after which you leave. Let her know your new rules — then enforce them.
If she shows up an hour late and you aren't there, she will get the message.
Tell her directly that you don't appreciate her blowing you off and generally being flaky.
Ask her to honor the plans you make. If she doesn't get better with time, stop cutting her slack.
Get out there and meet new people. This is your time to blossom. Do not rely on one person to bring you happiness.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@ harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106*