Set boundaries with roommate
DEAR HARRIETTE >> As a first-year college student experiencing communal living for the first time, I am grappling with the challenges of sharing a room. I am increasingly frustrated with my roommate; after I granted her access to my belongings once, she consistently uses them. The same goes for my food and groceries, leaving me feeling taken advantage of. I am hesitant to confront her about this behavior, fearing that it may strain our relationship and create tension in our living arrangement. As someone new to cohabitation, I am anxious about the potential consequences of addressing this issue and uncertain about how to navigate this situation without damaging our dynamic. — Are All Roommates Like This?
DEAR ARE ALL ROOMMATES LIKE THIS? >> You have every right to establish boundaries in your living arrangements. You can do so clearly and kindly, but by all means go for it. Ask your roommate to have a meeting with you about your living quarters. Tell her that you have concerns about expectations, roles and responsibilities. Admit that you have never had a roommate before, so it's all new to you. Then tell her that some things have occurred that make you uncomfortable, and you want to talk about it. Be direct and specific about food, groceries and other belongings. Explain that you do not want her to use your things without asking. You can also suggest that the two of you consider buying groceries together or designate certain things that are shared. The most important part is to take the time to talk and agree on what your boundaries will be.
DEAR HARRIETTE >> For letter-writer “Me Vs. Everyone” — my mom would have had this advice for a person who had received mean comments from other women because she is now dating the campus hunk:
You are beautiful and charming, and that may make some other girls feel insecure and jealous. They may try to hurt you with their mean comments, but you don't have to let them get to you. My mom went through something similar when she was young. She taught me to respond to mean people with kindness, not anger. She said that kindness is a sign of strength, not weakness. She also said that mean comments are actually backward compliments because they show that the mean person feels inferior to you in some way. So instead of feeling hurt by their words, you can advise them to smile more, so that they, too, can be beautiful. You can also talk to your close friends or your mom about how you feel, and they will support you and remind you of your worth.
Instead of reacting like the mean girls want you to — by having hurt feelings — you can thank them, as you know they mean it as a compliment. Show them that you are not affected by their negativity. You may turn some of them into friends instead of rivals. — Killing Them With Kindness
DEAR KILLING THEM WITH KINDNESS >>
What empowering and loving advice! Thank you for these valuable contributions.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@ harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.