The `Rule of Five'
It has been said, “The road to hell is paved with positive intentions.”
To that end, often, a discussion that started with one person trying to help another, ends with someone throwing up their hands in frustration, storming out of the room, shouting, “This is the thanks I get? I was only trying to be helpful! Just forget I said anything!”
It is important to remember that although the intention of helping someone is positive if the person receiving that intent does not want the help, s/he will feel pressured, unintelligent and defensive. Those are the perfect ingredients for the beginning of an argument.
There is a simple way to avoid these well-intentioned, but extremely exasperating disagreements: “The Rule of Five.”
It is important to remember that although the intention of helping someone is positive if the person receiving that intent does not want the help, s/he will feel pressured, unintelligent and defensive.
To utilize it, let's first examine the dynamics of a disagreement caused by an overly helpful spouse. Suzanne comes home from a long, exasperating, day at work, emotionally drained, physically tired and wanting nothing more than to climb into a hot bath.
Robert — loving husband that he is — greets her with a hug and says, “It looks like you've had a rough day. What's up?”
Suzanne wearily replies as she plops her purse on the couch and starts to remove her coat, “I had a customer who acted like a jerk, no matter what I did to help him. He ended up complaining to my boss, saying I was inept, even though it wasn't my fault.”
Robert, always willing to try and improve the lot of his loving partner, suggests, “Did you tell your manager the actual story?”
“No, it was already 5 p.m. I just wanted to get home.”
“You know,” says Robert, “He needs to know your side.”
“I'll fill him in tomorrow. I don't want to deal with it now.”
“Isn't he there until 6 p.m.? You could still call him.”
“I told you, I don't want to deal with it now.”
Robert presses onward, “Are you sure that's wise? Don't you want to make sure your reputation is OK?”
“Of course I do,” she responds, “but it can wait until tomorrow. An extra hour is no big thing.”
“I disagree,” he says. “I find that when I'm in a bind, it's best to fix it immediately. I'll dial the phone for you.”
Raising her voice, Suzanne responds, “I haven't even put my stuff down! I'll take care of it later! Just leave me alone for a few moments, OK?”
Robert, hurt and angry, exclaims, “Wow, that'll teach me to help. See if
I try and be supportive again!”
He storms into the living room, flicks on the TV and glares at the screen in silence. Suzanne heads to the bedroom and collapses onto the bed. Despite Robert's sincere desire to help and to create a warm environment for the evening, this night ends in a chilly frost, with both parties angry and isolated. What went wrong? Firstly, Suzanne was not “broken.” She made decisions she felt were appropriate. Robert, conversely, doesn't like to see his wife in pain and wants to be helpful. When Suzanne's ideas clashed with Robert's intentions, the result was an explosion.
How to use the `Rule of Five'
Consider each statement, question or comment to count as one transaction. The keys to a peaceful, yet supportive, exchange are:
1) Stop before getting to five transactions
2) Ask questions before volunteering solutions
3) Leave the door open for further communication
Let's see how the “Rule of Five” limits the problem.
Suzanne still comes home, frustrated. Robert still greets her with a hug and offers to listen. Suzanne fills him in.
Robert asks, “Can I do anything?” (Note: this is the first transaction. He has offered to help; he is not providing advice.)
Suzanne replies, “No, I just want to be left alone.” (second transaction.)
Sometimes folks say they don't want help because they don't want to be a burden, or they're not sure you want to help. Therefore, Robert rephrases his offer, “You sure? I'm glad to help if you need anything.” (third transaction) By repeating his offer, he is letting her know that he is sincere and gives her time to reconsider should she want to.
Suzanne replies with transaction number four, “No, I know you want to help. I'm going to take a bath.”
Here is where the “Rule of Five” shows its power. If Robert engages in transaction number five by pushing his assistance yet again or by overriding his wife's desire for space, it is no longer about him trying to be helpful; it is him subconsciously telling her she's not smart enough to handle it on her own. It's also more about him seeking to avoid his discomfort of her raw feelings, rather than help her with hers.
He replies, “I'm here if you need me. Let me know if I can do anything.”
Robert continues about his evening or changes the subject (possibly with a hug for his wife). Suzanne gets the time to unwind and bring up the subject later (if she chooses). The bottom line, both parties get a peaceful evening and the relationship is balanced.
Before you try and “fix” something that does not need fixing, remember the old joke:
“How many Boy Scouts did it take to help the old lady across the street?”
“Ten — she didn't want to go.”