Daugh­ter for­gave boyfriend, but her mother won’t

Tri-City Herald (Sunday) - - Puzzles - BY JEANNE PHILLIPS Torn In Mas­sachusetts Wise Woman In N.C. Dear Abby is writ­ten by Abi­gail Van Buren, aka Jeanne Phillips. Con­tact her at www.DearAbby.com

DEAR ABBY: I have been see­ing a guy for nine months. We had a good re­la­tion­ship, but it hit a bump in the road. He was told false in­for­ma­tion about me, and in­stead of giv­ing me the ben­e­fit of the doubt, he as­sumed it was true. He said nasty things to me, called me hor­ri­ble names, and we didn’t speak for a month. Once we came back into con­tact, I for­gave him and put the episode be­hind me.

My mother is not as for­giv­ing. She told me I can do bet­ter than him, and I should for­get about him al­to­gether. I tried to ex­plain how I feel about him and how I want to move on from it. She hasn’t had a change of heart and says she does not ap­prove of him. So now I sneak around with him and leave my mother out of the loop.

I want to re­spect her opin­ion, but I do not want to give up the guy I love.

DEAR TORN: There’s a term for peo­ple who call oth­ers “hor­ri­ble names and say nasty things” to them. They are called “ver­bal abusers,” and the ef­fects of what they say can be last­ing. An ex­am­ple would be the way his ac­cu­sa­tions have af­fected your mother, who thinks her daugh­ter de­serves bet­ter, and your re­la­tion­ship with her.

Sneak­ing around is im­ma­ture and dis­hon­est. A guy who helps you do that is noth­ing to brag about. If he loved you as much as you say you love him, he would have apol­o­gized not only to you but also to your mother. If he had, she might have changed her opin­ion. DEAR ABBY: This is a mes­sage about our se­nior pop­u­la­tion. Our chil­dren grow up, marry and have chil­dren. Each grand­child is spe­cial. We love them and adore be­ing with them. Then the grand­kids grow up. By this time we’re old and some­times need help with house­work, yard work, or just would like to go eat or shop. We still have feel­ings, and we’re not dead. But it seems there is no time for the el­derly.

We may say we’re fine, but it IS lonely at times. No one calls to say hello or ask if we need any­thing. It would be nice if each fam­ily mem­ber called once a week or came by once a month. The love we’ve al­ways had for fam­ily is still strong.

Chil­dren and grand­chil­dren, please think about this: The most im­por­tant thing you can give your el­derly rel­a­tives is your time. It’s the most pre­cious gift and doesn’t cost a thing. Some­day you will be old, too!

DEAR WISE WOMAN: I’m print­ing your let­ter be­cause it has a mes­sage some fam­i­lies need to hear. That said, I am a strong ad­vo­cate for in­di­vid­u­als who ad­vo­cate for them­selves. Since your chil­dren and grand­chil­dren don’t call, per­haps it’s time you called them to check in and see how they’re do­ing. And if you are not fine and need help, ask for it.

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