USA TODAY International Edition
Where? When? Couples need to talk it out
Respectful communication can be key to a happy transition
Husband- and- wife Realty team Kevin Jordan and Lori Rust sometimes feel like they’re juggling a second job. “Not only do we have to be professionals in real estate and understand the market, we have to be marriage counselors to some degree,” Kevin says with a laugh.
Couples relocating to Greater Phoenix for retirement can be overwhelmed by their choices in the busy age- targeted market as well as the choices that must be made before the big move. That’s when Jordan, 56, and Rust, 57, have to step in to keep their house- hunting clients on track. “I would say that, with 75% of them, we have to bring them together in a decision,” Rust says. “There’s so much that goes into it — leaving your friends, starting out in new communities, considering your children. It’s such an emotional decision for these people. It’s really tough.”
IN THE MOOD TO MOVE
Relocation can be a contentious issue when it comes to making joint retirement plans. According to a 2011 survey of retiring couples commissioned by Fidelity Investments, 33% of participating pairs either didn’t agree or just didn’t know where they would retire. And it’s not just the “where” throwing a wrench in the planning process. According to the study, 62% of couples approaching retirement couldn’t agree on the “when” to retire.
Difficulty in making these big decisions as a couple isn’t unusual among Baby Boomers, notes Dorian Mintzer, a Boston- based therapist and certified life coach. Those in long- term relationships aren’t immune to disagreements about the future. After spending so many years with a spouse or partner, it can be easy to second- guess their plans and take their opinions for granted.
And that, Mintzer says, is when unexpected hurdles arise in the retirement planning process. “Some people can be on the same wavelength, but even when couples have been together for a while, there are certain assumptions,” she says. “You can assume you know what the other wants, but when you’re up against the clock and you’re really thinking about retirement, letting go and making changes is hard.”
Catherine Frank, executive director of the Osher Lifelong Learning Institute at the University of North Carolina- Asheville, also works with couples moving toward retirement. The first step in such an involved process is simple enough: sitting down and starting a conversation about your separate and shared ideas for the transition. The difficult part is leaving yourself open to contradictory opinions or surprising goals from your partner, and considering adjustments to your own plans to keep your relationship in sync.
“If you don’t negotiate some of these changes together, I think you’re in for some bumpy times ahead,” Frank says. “Initiating the conversation and seeing how close you are or how far apart you are is really important.”
Roberta K. Taylor, also a Bostonbased life coach and psychotherapist who specializes in retirement planning, says that people change over time. “What if you do have different goals, or what if you do have a different vision for what’s next? They’re scary things to bring up, and they can be very threatening: ‘ What does this mean for our marriage?’ ”
While some topics can be cut- anddried for couples, others — including the idea of picking up and moving in pursuit of the retirement dream — might have higher emotional stakes. Non- confrontational conversation techniques are helpful for future retirees who have hit a stumbling block in the planning process. “These conversations actually can bring more intimacy to a relationship,” Mintzer says. “The more you understand what’s important to the other — even if you agree to disagree — the more you understand it, and the more connection there can be between the two people.”
While financial and other longterm matters are an obvious talking point for couples facing the retirement transition, the day- to- day impact often is overlooked. “Without negotiating some of those small, practical things, people can get on one another’s nerves,” Frank says. “When we’re taken up with all of the responsibilities that come for most of us in midlife, what we don’t do is stop and say, ‘ What is our marriage going to look like? What’s it going to be like when we have this major change in our lives, and we have new opportunities, but also new challenges?’ ”
ONE COUPLE’S STORY
Brooklyn residents Tim Platt, 63, and Iris Lipner, 70, have been married since 2002. Platt has a business and technology blog and does a little consulting on the side, but he considers himself mostly retired. Lipner, meanwhile, just made the transition this year, ending her private psychoanalyst practice in January.
As they began retirement planning, “Iris and I had to figure out what was most important to us individually. We couldn’t always guess what the other was thinking because we didn’t necessarily know ourselves.”
Even though the couple had plenty of the same ideas, they didn’t actually enunciate them, Lipner says. “We didn’t actually talk them through in detail. And the issues were in the details, not in the plan.”
Seeking help through a group seminar, with several couples coming together to share their concerns for retirement, or even private counseling with a therapist or life coach stepping in to mediate a more personal discussion are popular options among partners who have hit a wall in the planning process.
“Talking things through, we sometimes find that, together, we come up with a third alternative that’s better than what either of us was thinking,” Platt says.
Sometimes people get stuck in their positions: “‘ It’s my way or your way,’ win vs. lose,” Mintzer says. “What I have found really helpful in my work with people is helping them identify that, and opening up the space for the ‘ we’ of the relationship, so people can really think about what would be a win- win.”