USA TODAY International Edition
Christmas looked pretty simple to this Muslim
Turns out it’s a lot of work. I applaud you all.
Growing up, my Muslim family never celebrated Christmas. This year, with the pandemic, I had to make the tough decision not to go home for the holidays because it isn’t safe. The silver lining is that my roommates are teaching me how to have my first proper Christmas. I am approaching this with anthropological precision, and I would like to share my observations.
Observation 1: Christmas is a parttime job that you have from mid- November to the end of December. It is an entire production.
From the outside looking in, Christmas always seemed pretty simple. I always thought you put up a tree and then gave gifts to family. This is a lie.
Do you want to sleep in on a Saturday? Too bad. Go put up some lights inside the house.
Oh, you want to sleep in on Sunday? Too bad. Go put up some lights outside the house.
Next weekend? Nope. Every free moment you have will be spent agonizing over the gifts you must buy.
Observation 2: Do not get in the way of people and their Christmas traditions because they will fight you.
My roommate told me that her family tradition is eating pumpkin pie on Christmas Day. I saw murder in her eyes when I asked whether it had to be pumpkin pie. I’ve also heard about people having strong feelings about turkey, fish and Yorkshire pudding.
Observation 3: You can buy yourself a gift, but you can’t stuff your own stocking. I don’t understand or agree with this one, but I told my roommate I bought stuff for my stocking and he said that that’s against the rules.
I don’t care. I bought myself mint ChapStick and a bath bomb, and I will happily feign surprise.
Observation 4: Your gift budget does not matter. Everything will always be $ 10 too expensive. Just give up on this one.
Observation 5: There are two streams of Christmas ornaments: the fillers and the keepers.
The fillers are the generic ones that fill up the tree. The keepers are the unique ones that are stored in your family’s reliquary to one day be passed on to the children.
My roommates encouraged me to go out to buy my own keeper ornament that would be special to me and make me smile. I bought this one and I’m very happy. It’s an everything bagel.
Observation 6: ORNAMENTS ARE
EXPENSIVE.
The everything bagel cost me $ 15.99. That’s more than three everything bagels. I am furious. For what it cost, you best believe that I’m insisting that it be passed on to my great- grandchildren. If they break it, I will haunt them.
Observation 7: The religious aspect of Christmas is optional.
I really like this one. I recognize that the religious aspect of Christmas is important for many, but there are ways for anyone and everyone to celebrate. As someone who is not very religious, if I were to suggest having a secular Ramadan to my mother, she would have a heart attack. I will, however, be trying to get my family to do a Secret Santa for Eid. The name’s being workshopped. Observation 8: You need a “menu.” This one is where they lost me. Last Christmas my family ordered Popeyes and watched a movie. My roommate has an entire menu with wine pairings and desserts planned.
Observation 9: You spend a disproportionate amount of time being sneaky in your own house.
Whether it’s to wrap or hide presents, eavesdrop on conversations for gift- giving inspiration, or stuff stockings. It’s very stressful but also a little addictive.
Observation 10: We need educational materials on Christmas rules.
Seriously. How’s a guy supposed to learn these things? Between all the college brochures and motivational posters, high school guidance offices should have pamphlets on this stuff. I can picture it already — “Is your ornament a filler or a keeper?” “Stocking do’s and don’ts.”
To wrap things up, I want to applaud longtime Christmas celebrators. This is a lot of work and very tiring. I will say I’m having a very pleasant time. I am learning that I enjoy Christmas music and gift giving. I am also learning that I do not enjoy peppermint.
Happy holidays, everyone! And, remember, if you are able, consider donating to a local food bank to help those in need.
Merry Christmas!