USA TODAY International Edition
In 2021, I resolve to ...
… buy the nondrip hair dye. Presidential lawyer Rudy Giuliani … buy a fly swatter. Vice President Mike Pence … inject vaccine, not bleach. President Donald Trump … take a vaccine for foot- in- mouth disease. President- elect Joe Biden … decorate Mar- a- Lago with all that ( bleeping) Christmas stuff. Outgoing first lady Melania Trump … hang a “doctor is in” shingle in my new office. Incoming first lady Jill Biden … chillax. House Speaker Nancy “Scissorhands” Pelosi … show at least some awareness that there is an invention called videotape, which can be used to compare what I said then with what I’m saying now. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell … consider how I might look on a cellphone video before I call your manager! A Karen … use only a certified Apple repair shop. Hunter Biden … use my “inside” voice. Kimberly Guilfoyle … build a better caucus app. The Iowa Democratic Party … see the wizard about getting a heart. Presidential aide Stephen Miller … set the alarm. Sean Penn … stay home for the holidays. Mayor Steve Adler, D- Austin, who warned Austinites not to travel but was in Mexico. … order takeout. Gov. Gavin Newsom, D- Calif., who attended a birthday dinner for a dozen people at a posh restaurant. … brace for season 32 of “The Crown.” Prince Harry and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex … keep an eye on the pool boy. Jerry Falwell Jr. … hit “Stop Video” on Zoom. Legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin … fly back to East Asia. The murder hornets … fade away, and take 2020 with me. The coronavirus An annual exercise by the Editorial Board. Happy New Year!