USA TODAY International Edition
The word ‘ fine’ often can mean not so fine
There are times when “fine” is a fine response. A perfunctory answer to a ritual greeting. “Fine” means little, unless we suspect it means something more. There are times when “fine” is a puzzling response, a small word that provokes big feelings. Hearing “fine” causes us to ruminate about what its curtness conceals, about what we think the speaker refuses to say.
Linguists and mental health experts say “fine” is a word whose meaning is influenced by context, including the question that came before it, the expectations built into that question and the relationship between the people talking. “Fine” may be utilitarian and innocuous, when someone is in a rush or feeling ambivalent. It may be strategic, to shut someone out, or passive aggressive, to withhold the truth.
“You could argue that it’s a useless, meaningless word, or that it’s a wonderful, shape- shifting word that you can employ for malleable situations when you need it,” says Scott Kiesling, a professor of linguistics at the University of Pittsburgh. “We have an ideology that language magically moves this idea from my head to your head and that’s really not what happens. We have to coordinate things and then we have to think about, as in the case of ‘ fine,’ whether we want to be polite, or rude or noncommittal.”
Discomfort with “fine” also is shaped by past experiences, including whether the word ever was used to deny intimacy, to punish or emotionally abandon.
“Often, when we say ‘ fine,’ that means ‘ go away, I’m not letting you in my inner world,’” says Nancy Colier, a psychotherapist and author of “Can’t Stop Thinking: How to Let Go of Anxiety and Free Yourself From Obsessive Rumination.”
The shifting meaning of ‘ fine’
“Fine” is what Kiesling calls a “scalar word.” It’s in the middle- to- low end of the scale, though historically that was not always the case. (“It was a fine day” did once mean a really nice day.) If one end of the scale is “I’m depressed,” and the other end is “I’m ecstatic,” fine is ambiguously in between, though it can be flexibly deployed up or down the scale.
“If you’re comparing it to being bad, then it’s a good thing,” he says. “If you’re comparing it to being good, then it’s a bad thing. In other words, if you’re expected to say something like, ‘ Oh, I’m having a great day, this is such a wonderful place,’ then ‘ fine’ could be seen as bad because you’re not being sufficiently enthusiastic. But if the expectation is that you’re struggling and you say, ‘ I’m fine,’ then it’s a positive thing.”
Fine’s placement on the scale can be useful for a noncommittal speaker, because it allows a person to answer a question positively, but without eagerness.
Saying “fine” in answer to the question of, “Do you want pasta for dinner?” fulfills the requirements of that slot to answer the question and to answer it positively, but it’s not saying, “I’ve been craving pasta all day long
and I’m so glad that you’re going to make it.” In this example, “fine” meets the needs of the speaker, though perhaps can frustrate the receiver.
When ‘ fine’ is triggering
Colier says hearing “fine” riles us when we feel someone is hiding or refusing to disclose.
“As the receiver of ‘ fine,’ it’s a very clear shutdown of anything that could be more intimate,” Colier says. “It can also be used passive aggressively, leaving it in the hands, I suppose, of the receiver, what they want to do with it.”
“Fine” is a response that can take on different meanings depending on the relationship of the people talking. Relationships may be defined by polite restrictions, or power differentials, or toxic behaviors.
The dynamics of our relationships and the way language has been used within those relationships can influence the way we experience language in the long- term.
If “fine” is a word that’s been used as a weapon before, hearing it can be triggering, Colier says.
‘ Fine’ as a ritual is meaningless
When “fine” is used as a greeting ritual, it’s mostly meaningless. Many people say “fine” to “how are you” even when they’re feeling vulnerable, because they don’t read the question as genuine.
“We say ‘ fine,’ because we pick up in the question that the person has no interest in wanting to know how we are,” Colier says.
Given the omnipresence of the meaningless “fine,” she encourages people to consider more probing questions that encourage deeper connection.
“If we’re really interested in someone, we can say, ‘ what’s interesting to you today?’ or ‘ how is the day going for you so far?’” she says. “We can specify the question. If we say, ‘ how are you?’ there’s already often an implication that we’re not interested in a real answer.”