USA TODAY International Edition
We need a refresher course on how to treat each other
New York magazine has published a guide to best etiquette practices, and I am here for it. Not because I agree with all 140 rules but because I’m just glad for the conversation.
We need a refresher course on how to behave with one another.
Reading some of the tips, I realize my worldview is occasionally outdated, and oddly enough, I’m fine with this.
Your full attention is a gift
Insisting it’s OK to text during meetings, for example, strikes me as odd, but that may be because I’ve been sitting through too many meetings. I’ve never gotten used to watching two dozen colleagues tapping away as others speak. We sit at tables arranged in an oval, as visible to one another as children on a roundabout. There is no covert typing, no hidden scowling at screens.
My colleagues are overworked, and our meetings are often too long, so I understand why this happens. But the taptap- tap chorus feels like a declaration: I see you, I hear you, and I have zero interest in what you have to say.
My only complaint is how this makes me feel. I become an uncomfortable and overcompensating bystander, constantly trying to make eye contact with speakers even if I have no idea what they are talking about, which is often.
As a college professor, this has made me a fierce guardian of interactions in the classroom. I want my students to experience the gift of full attention, mine and theirs. No texting, and no typing unless we are looking something up for discussion. As I write in every class syllabus, if you find you are too busy to pay attention in class, perhaps this is not the course for you.
Some students grumble about this policy in the beginning, but by mid- semester they tell me I’m their perfect excuse for ignoring annoying texts from friends and roommates – and sometimes family. “My mom says you’re on a power trip,” one of my students told me, smiling.
‘ No gifts’ is never a good move
Some of the magazine’s parenting tips are spot- on. Disciplining children you don’t know – unless you’re a teacher, I’d add – is a bad move. Likewise, unsolicited parenting advice can trigger a volcanic eruption that will bury you in molten ash. This includes well- meaning grandparents. If you are tempted to weigh in, pinch your thigh until your eyes tear up. This is my tip, by the way.
Also, I agree that we should always ignore this line on an invitation to a children’s birthday party: “Please no gifts.”
I’m sorry, but who does that? Answer: No child.
Life will disappoint soon enough. We can raise children to care about the world around them and still allow them an occasional day of material consumption. Also, at the risk of sounding like my mother who somehow knew an entire continent of people suffering consequences of bad decisions, I know a guy.
When he was a boy, his parents insisted he celebrate every birthday by asking his little friends to skip presents and instead donate to his “special cause.” After he grew up, he bought his own son a car five birthdays before he was eligible to drive.
So, you see how he turned out. Also, might we agree that a child should not be raised to show up emptyhanded at birthday parties? You never outrun that reputation. Twenty years later, classmates still remember you as Freeloader Freddy.
A word about scrolling the photo roll of your friend or acquaintance: Don’t.
Say they hand you their phone to show you one photo. Park your thumb right there. This is to avoid seeing “the 200 outtakes from the nude photo shoot they did the other night.”
Good God.
As a college professor, this has made me a fierce guardian of interactions in the classroom. I want my students to experience the gift of full attention, mine and theirs.
No comment
One more suggested tip about friends: Don’t try to recruit them as your allies during fights with your significant other. I’m all in on this one because it happens to me a lot. I think it’s because I offer my opinion for a living. People have expectations. I’m thinking of a friend who, in the middle of an argument with her husband, became annoyed after I said ( lied) that I had no opinion on her passionate ( ridiculous) complaint about his socks.
“For God’s sake, Connie,” she said, “you offer your opinion for a living. And suddenly you have nothing to say?”
I’m not going to take a stand over argyles. Unless you’re forcing them onto the hooves of camels.
Even then, only maybe.
If you are in need of guidance, I doubt I’ve helped you much in deciding how best to behave with others. But you don’t need me. The golden rule may be nicked and tarnished, but it still holds. How do you want to be treated? Start there. Soon, please.