New research looks at couples who have couples as friends
‘Two Plus Two’ equals a bonus
Jasey and Syd Schnaars and their BFFS John and Di Huston have a couple friendship that’s spanned decades — from college to grandchildren. They even live across the street from each other in Delaware, Ohio.
Early in their relationship, the Schnaarses spent about five years as landlords to the Hustons, who rented the other half of their duplex. While their relationship isn’t as comical as Lucy and Ricky Ricardo and their best friends and landlords, Fred and Ethel Mertz, in the 1950s TV sitcom I Love Lucy, they have been together “through all as- pects of our lives,” says Syd, 62.
She and husband Jasey, 61, and the Hustons — John, 62, and Di, 59 — have carpooled and vacationed together. Their adult children are close friends, too.
Such longtime friendship isn’t easy to “get the exact chemistry among four people,” says Bill Rawlins, a professor of communication at Ohio University in Athens.
Still, many such friendships do last, and that’s why two so-
cial work professors from the University of Maryland in Baltimore have conducted some of the first research on the subject. They’ve outlined their findings from interviews with 426 people in the new book Two Plus Two: Couples and Their Couple Friendships.
Co-authors Geoffrey Greif — married 36 years — and Kathy Deal — married 43 years — say these friendships are a relationship plus. “Being close with another couple and watching how they manage their ups and downs is a role model for how you can manage your ups and downs,” Greif says.
And, it can enhance your relationship with your partner, Deal says. “Some couples said, ‘When I see my husband or wife with other people, it really makes me appreciate them in a different way. I see how charming or thoughtful they are or what a sparkling conversationalist they are.’ It makes them feel very positive about their partner,” she says.
The authors interviewed heterosexual individuals age 21 and older who have been living in a romantic relationship at least one year, including 123 couples in which both partners were present, 122 individuals who are part of a couple, plus 58 who had been divorced.
Couple relationships are complicated, Deal suggests. “You have, first of all, the relationship couple-to-couple — all four people,” she says. “Then you have the relationship between people of the same gender. Then, as a married woman, you have a chance to have a close, but not physically close, relationship with another man you might not have otherwise.”
Still, sexual attraction among friends can be a problem. The authors asked participants about “sexual tension,” as in the 1969 film Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice, where the foursome examined their sexual tension.
In their couples research, however, the authors found sexual attraction was rare. Andy Mink and his wife, Kim, both 43, aren’t surprised. Within their circle of a dozen couples in Orange, Va., partners may occasionally go to happy hour or elsewhere alone with another’s opposite-sex spouse.
“Nobody feels threatened,” she says. “We all know where we’re coming from.”