SHARING ON FACEBOOK
EVEN WHEN IT’S PAINFUL NEWS,
Ashley Webber and her husband, Lee, of Holly Springs, N.C., were thrilled when they learned she was pregnant with their second child. Their son, Luke, was 4, and he was excited about becoming a big brother.
“Since I am a sharer, I posted the great news to my Facebook at four weeks — pretty much the minute we found out,” Webber says. Two weeks later, she miscarried. “Again, I posted it to my Facebook and again was flooded with stories, encouragement, prayers and love,” Webber says. “It was a blessing that I shared my good news so early.”
Webber is one of a growing number of women who share pregnancy news with “their closest 500 friends” on social networks such as Facebook. Even though miscarriages have often been considered a secret for couples to bear in silence, that taboo is breaking down. Even celebrities are sharing the news — and with more people. This year, rapper Jay-z released a song sharing intimate details of a miscarriage with his wife, Beyoncé Knowles, and since then, reality-star-turned-entrepreneur Bethenny Frankel ( The Real Housewives of New York City) disclosed that she had suffered one as well.
“There is an abundance of change in American culture, and I’ve always been bothered why people don’t tell their loved ones about their loss,” says physician Roger Harms, chairman of obstetrics and gynecology at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn. “‘Miscarriage’ is a terrible misnomer, suggesting that something happened. Guilt is built in with the words that we use.”
Miscarriage is the spontaneous loss of a pregnancy before the 20th week. It’s not as rare as some might think: 15% to 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, says the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. The actual number may be even higher, because many occur so early that a woman may not even know yet that she’s pregnant. Sometimes, even if fertilization is unsuccessful, placenta can begin to form, causing a false positive on tests.
Age is the biggest risk factor in miscarriage, Harms says. Women over 35 are 20% more likely than younger women to miscarry.
Sharing about pregnancy has become so common that in August, Facebook added an “Expected: Child” feature to the Friends and Family section of profile pages. Many were creating separate pages for unborn babies, despite Facebook rules that users must be 13 or older.
Though support from friends and family is a good thing, having to talk about it before they’re ready can heighten the sense of loss for women whose pregnancies end suddenly.
“Facebook made it infinitely harder,” says Jenna Lemaster of Palm Desert, Calif., who miscarried at 18 weeks. “I chose to take down the pictures and my postings about the pregnancy,” but then she felt guilty. “I didn’t want to pretend like it never happened, but I had to remove it so I could heal and not have a constant reminder.”
Miscarriage can lead to depression that can last from a few months to several years, experts say. And women tend to feel they are being observed in their grief, even if a miscarriage is not announced online, says Julianne Zweifel, a clinical psychologist in the department of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Wisconsin. “That feeling of being observed is only expanded when women share in the social space,” she says. “Women don’t want to appear as over-sad or judged as melodramatic. But if they are doing OK, they wonder if they come off as cold or uncaring.”
For some, online forums about pregnancy loss are a better venue for discussing their grief than general sites such as Facebook. “It is much easier to talk with other women who have gone
“I’ve always been bothered why people don’t tell their loved ones about their loss.”
Roger Harms, Mayo Clinic
through a similar experience than an audience of people, some I haven’t spoken to in years and many who do not know what it is like to lose a baby,” says Kristin Johnson of Portland, Ore.
Watching others have healthy babies can be difficult, too, Lemaster says. “At 30, my news feed is flooded with babies and belly pictures, and it’s a constant reminder of my empty arms.”
Several months after her miscarriage, Webber became pregnant again — and again rushed to Facebook to share the news, at just four weeks.
She knew people would question why she would share again so early after everything she had gone through. “That was exactly the reason — I really believed everything would be fine and figured if something wasn’t, I would rather people know, so that I wouldn’t have to go through it alone.”
At eight weeks, Webber and her husband learned they were having twins. Again she shared on Facebook.
When she learned later that only one baby would survive, Facebook friends offered an outpouring of support.
“People still send me encouragement through Facebook,” she says. “It has really been a blessing.”