NBA conspiracy theories: Long shots or layups?

Pssst. Calling all lovers of NBA skullduggery, chicanery and hanky-panky. Let’s meet over there in the dark corner and hatch a couple of conspiracy theories.

No spring is complete without them, right? And we’re fortunate to have two juicy plots all ready to twist into outrages.

One minute, the Boston Celtics are getting hoodwinked in the playoffs, and the next the Charlotte Bobcats are getting fleeced in the draft lottery.

It makes you want to come up with a new word that ends in gate.

In the Eastern Conference finals, it’s the Boston Celtics against the Miami Free Throw Shooters. LeBron James is spending so much time at the line, his new nickname should be Mr. 15 Feet.

As duly noted by Boston coach Doc Rivers, his entire roster had 29 free throws in the Game 2 overtime loss in Miami while James shot 24. This is the same game in which three Celtics fouled out. Also the same game in which Rajon Rondo — playing what seemed like his 145th minute of the night — drove the lane with the score tied late in overtime and had his flight path interrupted by a Dwyane Wade arm across the face.

Not a whistle blew. No broken nose, no foul, apparently.

And all of that two days after Game 1, in which the Celtics had five technical fouls, Rivers calling one of them his worst ever.

Not to disparage the officials, but only car mechanics and speed-trap patrols are supposed to treat out-of-towners that badly.

The scheme is obvious, isn’t it? The NBA wants the Heat and all their buzz for the big show in the Finals. The Celtics are too old to be hip. Or else, maybe the referees are just blinded by Miami’s glitter. Either way, is this any way to treat your elders?

“We will not get distracted,” Rivers said after Game 2. “I guarantee you, right now they’re distracted, our team in the locker room. But we have to get it out of us and move on.”

What’s that? Yes, the Heat are among the best at driving to the basket and drawing contact. And yes, many of the Celtics’ fouls were their fault. And yes, the best team is winning.

But if you’re going to talk that way, take your logic and leave. We’re busy unearthing flimflam.

Then there was the draft lottery. That was so suspect, the drawing should have been held on a grassy knoll.

You remember the poor Bobcats, who during the season came to remind us so much of Custer’s 7th Cavalry. If a 7-59 record can’t get you the No. 1 draft pick, what can?

But nothing is guaranteed in the lottery. The Bobcats had a 25% chance of being awarded the top pick; not great odds, but better than anyone else’s. Still, whose name was drawn, as the lucky losers that win big? The New Orleans Hornets.

The same Hornets the NBA operated for so long, until a buyer was finally found. That would be Saints owner Tom Benson, who has had his own troubles, since his football team has endured more bad news than the Greek economy.

Easy to see this fix with the naked eye. Something had to sweeten the deal and clinch the sale. A car salesman might throw in a sunroof. The NBA threw in Anthony Davis.

What’s that? Yes, the lottery is conducted on national television, and supposedly not by a card shark from Las Vegas. Yes, lots of times the lousiest team doesn’t get the No. 1 pick (whether it automatically should is a debate for another day). Yes, there is no reason to think the league would pull the rug from beneath Michael Jordan, who goes to bed each night as Charlotte’s owner counting defeats.

But you’re insisting on common sense again. Stop it.

“A lot of controversy out there,” Rondo said, which is just as well, since something has to fill the off-day discussions during the postseason.

Would you rather talk about the pick-and-roll or if David Stern is up to something?