METHODS TO MADNESS
Bracket-picking alternatives can be fun, frivolous
Sure, you could spend hours analyzing stats, won-lost records and streaks before filling out your NCAA tournament bracket. But that would be boring. And, based on your past results, it probably wouldn’t get you much further than that guy in shipping who let his dog pick his bracket.
So enough with real information. Here are some alternative ways to go. We can’t promise you success, bragging rights or cold, hard cash, but we can promise fun.
Plus, when your bracket is toast by Friday night, you’re guaranteed not to feel as bad. It’s not as if you wasted actual time and brain power.
MASCOTS: This is a triedand-true method with a simple premise: Go with the better-looking mascot. Think Bucky Badger, Otto the Orange, The Oregon Duck, The Hawk and, even when Stanford is a high double-digit seed, The Tree. If you’re in doubt, ask the nearest child. Give them a cookie for their trouble while you’re at it.
(Rumor has it, this is the selection committee’s go-to solution when it faces a seeding dilemma. Think about it: Louisville’s Cardinal Bird is fierce, but it’s no Virginia Cavalier.)
WHERE WOULD YOU
RATHER VISIT? If you were given a free trip to the site of one of the schools, which would you pick? Now, this can be tricky. Stephen F. Austin is not, in fact, in Austin, nor is Manhattan College really in Manhattan.
There can be more to a location than its location, too. For example, Cincinnati vs. Harvard might seem like a no-brainer. Boston is one of the greatest cities in America, after all. But remember that Cincinnati is home to Skyline Chili, and it puts the choice in a whole new light.
NICKNAMES: Similar to the mascot method, base your picks on which team has the better nickname. Don’t overthink this, not that you have that problem if you use this method. If you don’t know what a Billiken or a Chanticleer is, you don’t need to be picking them. If you’re truly stuck, go with who would win in a cage match, à la rock, paper, scissors.
A.B.D. (Anybody But
Duke): Unless you went there, odds are you hate Duke. You might not openly admit it, but you do. The Blue Devils get great players, win almost all the time and aren’t the least bit humble about any of it. They’re like the New York Yankees of college basketball, and everyone outside of New York hates the Yankees. (But not Derek Jeter. Hating Derek Jeter is un-American.)
But Duke is only one matchup, you say. While this is true, the Duke ties are deep in college bas- ketball, which allows the ABD principle to be applied to any team that is coached by a former Blue Devils assistant, has a former Duke assistant or player on staff, has a Duke transfer — or has a player once recruited by the Blue Devils.
This will, of course, annihilate your bracket, leaving you free to spend your next three weeks searching for funny cat videos.
NUMBER OF LETTERS: The longer the name of a team, the better it does. This is a littleknown fact, but it’s true. Not only have all but three of the last 20 national champions had six or more letters in their names (stupid Duke), only six winners had a shorter name than the runner-up (stupid Duke again).
DARTS: Put the names of each team on separate sheets of paper and tack them on the wall. Close your eyes and throw a dart. Or a very, very sharp pencil. Whichever piece of paper gets hit, or knocked to the floor, that’s your team. Legal disclaimer: It’s not our fault you didn’t check to make sure the coast was clear before throwing sharp objects in the air.
LET A CHILD CHOOSE: You hear at least one story every year about how so-and-so’s kid won the pool, beating out entries from supposed experts such as sportswriters, sports editors and former players, so why not? If you’re worried about people making fun of you, they’ll do the same when your bracket sinks like a stone to the bottom of the pool.
And, finally, if you’re still at a loss, just go with Michigan State. Betting against a Tom Izzo team in March is as silly as sweating your picks.