Resolutions we’d like to see
IN 2016, I RESOLVE TO ...
… get out of the beauty pageant business and go back to daytime TV. Steve Harvey
… get off of Sunday morning TV and go back to the beauty pageant business. Donald Trump
… go to Siberia. Invite Trump. Stay there. Russian President Vladimir Putin
… set up a private email server to keep all those nosy Republicans and reporters out of my personal business. Wait. Tried that. Bad idea! Hillary Clinton
… stop assuming the American people are sick and tired of hearing about Hillary’s damn emails. Bernie Sanders
… run the damn ball. The Seattle Seahawks, who lost the 2015 Super Bowl when they decided to pass from the New England Patriots’ one-yard line.
… inflate the damn ball. The Patriots
… let the facts get in the way of a good war story. Former NBC anchor Brian Williams, who exaggerated his exploits covering the Iraq invasion.
… call my next book Killing Credibility. Bill O’Reilly, who exaggerated his exploits covering the Falklands war.
… be thankful I was overshadowed by Williams and O’Reilly. VA Secretary Robert McDonald, who falsely claimed he served in special operations forces.
… not complete any sentences that start with, “I know this is a horrible thing to say.” Former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani, who said, “I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I do not believe that the president loves America.”
… not be so dismissive about the Islamic State terrorist group. President Obama
… not take “break a leg ” so literally. Secretary of State John Kerry
… not take Black Like Me so literally. Rachel Dolezal, former president of the NAACP’s chapter in Spokane, Wash.
… just do my job. Kim Davis, clerk of Rowan County, Ky. … create a new “Hastert rule”: Don’t pay hush money. Former House speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Ill.
… schedule Democratic debates when people might actually watch them. DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz
… remember that in comedy, timing is everything. Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas, who made a joke about Vice President Biden just days after Biden’s son Beau died.
… ditch the exclamation point. Jeb! Bush
… stay hydrated. Sen. Marco Rubio, R-Fla.
… stay out of brothels. Lamar Odom
… stay off Ashley Madison. Josh Duggar
… invest in better computer security software. Ashley Madison
… strive to have better computer security than Ashley Madison. The Office of Personnel Management, which lost millions of federal employees’ files to Chinese hackers.
… ferret out the bombs, not the baby bottles. The Transportation Security Administration, which missed banned items in 67 of 70 tests. … prevent environmental disasters instead of causing them. The Environmental Protection Agency, which accidentally contaminated a river in Colorado.
… use our engineering prowess to meet clean-air guidelines, not defeat them. Volkswagen
… stifle pollution, not expression. Chinese President Xi Jinping
… keep an eye on what’s happening under the prison. Authorities at Dannemora in upstate New York and Altiplano in Mexico, sites of high-profile escapes through tunnels.
… keep my hands (and other body parts) to myself. Bill Cosby
… keep my tongue off the baked goods. Ariana Grande, videotaped licking a doughnut at a pastry shop counter.
… keep making beautiful music at 29, and 33, and 37 and … Adele
… avoid racist rants. And sex tapes. And making racist rants on sex tapes. Hulk Hogan
… shoot wild animals with a camera, not a rifle. Walter Palmer, the Minnesota dentist who killed Cecil the lion during a big-game hunt in Africa.
... wear underpants. Singer Lenny Kravitz, who experienced a wardrobe malfunction during a concert in Stockholm.
… lower my profile. Caitlyn Jenner
... experience the jailhouse diet. Ex-Subway pitchman Jared Fogle, convicted on child porn charges
… give myself a red card. FIFA President Sepp Blatter
… hire ugly nannies. Ben Affleck
… get a taste of my own medicine. Hedge fund manager turned pharmaceutical executive Martin Shkreli
… accept that you can’t win them all. Ronda Rousey