Bielema’s razor wit steals the SEC show
Arkansas coach informs, keeps it loose
HOOVER, ALA. The new Head Ball Coach is here. He’s the man they call Bert.
Arkansas’ Bret Bielema showed up at Southeastern Conference media days Wednesday and rescued us from all kinds of boredom with a news conference that was equal parts informative and entertaining. He’s not on Steve Spurrier’s level — who is? — but Bielema is the closest thing we have, and there’s potential for him to keep on getting better.
A sampling of Bielema’s best lines:
On Michigan and Notre Dame being a “sexy” matchup: “I think Michigan and Arkansas sounds sexy.”
On Arkansas’ general sexiness: “At Arkansas we’re not built very sexy, we’re just kind of a work in progress. We need a lot of time in the bathroom to get ready and come out and look great. But when (we) do, we’ll stop time.”
On attending the nuptials of Russell Wilson and Ciara: “I was in Russell’s wedding — not in the wedding, I just sat and watched. I was the guy in the eighth row in the outside seat.”
On losing to good friend Kevin Sumlin and Texas A&M last year: “Summy, last year, when we got done with the game and we’re walking across to shake hands, and he said, ‘I don’t know what to say.’ I said, ‘Don’t say anything, I might punch you.’ ”
On a crucial call in that game against the Aggies: “We had an unfortunate tripping call called, which was a marvelous call for Steve Shaw and his staff. First tripping call I’ve ever seen in college football but it was a good call, and we deserved it. … I hope there’s a moratorium on complaining about reffing.”
Again, it’s not retired Spurrier, who delighted us with his wit and general lack of a damn. But Bielema brought the heat.
“The one thing that I will miss is I’m usually up here responding to some barb from Coach Spurrier,” Alabama coach Nick Saban said earlier in the day. Well, Nick might have found his new match because Bielema’s line about offseason arrests (“You don’t have to worry whether or not — if I’m going suspend anybody for the first game. It doesn’t come up in our program.”) was a direct shot toward Alabama and its handling of punishment for star tackle Cam Robinson and Hootie Jones.
Bielema also, apparently, can take it as much as he dishes it out.
“You have to bust his chops about his tiny dogs,” Kentucky coach Mark Stoops said. (Bielema’s wife has a couple of Yorkshire terriers.)
We, of course, want all head coaches to be as honest, open and direct as Bielema is every single day. The truth is that is not going to happen, because the associated risk with such an approach is occasionally you have to deal with an upset fellow coach or, in Bielema’s case early in his SEC career, Commissioner Mike Slive. What you have to gain is the appreciation of a bunch of media guys and the Internet. That’s not nothing, but you can see it from there.
But this is also just who Bielema is, as the Arkansas players said later in the day, and he’s just living his truth. Linebacker Brooks Ellis said his favorite Bielema moment came after the Hogs beat Mississippi last season.
“In his interview, when he was like … ‘I can’t wait to just get on the plane and hop on my wife,’ ” Ellis said.
Long live Bert.