THEY SAID WHAT?
Jokes just roll on in D.C. from Minhaj without the president
THE STARS’ BEST QUOTES
At the White House Correspondents’ Dinner on Saturday, Madeleine Albright explained why she would give President Trump a grade of D+. “I don’t think he’s accomplished much,” the first female U.S. secretary of State told USA TODAY. “I travel abroad a lot, and people are frankly very confused about what (the administration is) doing.”
“Only in America can a first-generation Indian-American Muslim kid get on this stage and make fun of the president.” Hasan Minhaj
Despite President Trump’s absence, White House Correspondents’ Dinner headliner Hasan Minhaj didn’t lay off the “liar in chief.” The correspondent for The
Daily Show had the audience rolling with his wisecracks. Here are some of the best ones:
“I would say it was an honor to be here, but that would be an alternative fact. It is not. No one wanted to do this, so of course it lands in the hands of an immigrant. It’s how it always goes down. No one wanted this gig — no one. Don Rickles died just so you wouldn’t ask him to do this gig, all right? R.I.P. to Don Rickles, the only Donald with skin thick enough to take a joke like that. R.I.P. to the legend.”
“We gotta address the elephant that’s not in the room. The leader of our country is not here, and that’s because he lives in Moscow. It’s a very long flight. It’d be hard for Vlad to make it. ... As for the other guy, I think he’s in Pennsylvania.”
“You know Donald Trump doesn’t drink, right? Does not touch alcohol, which is oddly respectable, but think about that. That means every statement, every interview, every tweet: completely sober. ... He tweets at 3 a.m. sober. Who is tweeting at 3 a.m. sober? Donald Trump, because it’s 10 a.m. in Russia. Those are business hours.”
“It’s almost 11 p.m. right now. In four hours, Donald Trump will be tweeting about how bad Nicki Minaj bombed at this dinner, and he’ll be doing it completely sober.”
“Tonight is about defending the First Amendment and the free press, and I am truly honored to be here even though all of Hollywood pulled out now that King Joffrey is president and it feels like the ‘Red Wedding’ in here.”
He also knocked POTUS’ offspring: Ivanka Trump: “Now Ivanka Trump isn’t here either, and I wish she was because if she was here I would ask her the question that we’re all thinking: Why? Why do you support this man? ’Cause I get it. We all love our parents, but we wouldn’t endorse them for president. Like if someone was like, ‘ Hey Hasan, should your dad be president of the United States?’ I’d be like: ‘The guy who tries to return used underwear to Costco? No!’ ”
Donald Trump Jr.: “For the nine people watching on C-SPAN, there also was another elephant in the room, but Donald Trump Jr. shot it and cut off its tail.”
He also hit Trump’s staffers: Counselor Kellyanne Conway: “Even if you guys groan, I’ve already hired Kellyanne Conway. She’s gonna go on TV on Monday and tell everybody I killed.” Vice President Pence: “Mike Pence wanted to be here tonight,
but his wife wouldn’t let him because apparently one of you ladies is ovulating.” Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos: “Betsy DeVos couldn’t be here. She’s busy curating her collection of children’s tears.” Chief strategist Steve Bannon: “Now, a lot of people think Steve Bannon is the reason Donald Trump dog-whistles to racists, and that is just not true. Ask Steve Bannon. Is Steve Bannon here? I do not see Steve Bannon. I do Nazi Steve Bannon ... Nazi Steve Bannon ...” Press secretary Sean Spicer: “How many do you know that can turn a press briefing into a full-on Mel Gibson traffic stop? Only the Spice Man.” Energy Secretary Rick Perry: “Hey, has anyone seen Rick Perry since he became Energy secretary? I have a feeling he’s sitting in a room full of plutonium waiting to become Spider-Man.” Attorney General Jeff Ses
sions: “Jeff Sessions couldn’t be here tonight. He was busy doing a pre-Civil War re-enactment. On his RSVP he just wrote ‘No,’ just, ‘Nooooo,’ which happens to be his second-favorite n-word.” The media also took a licking:
USA TODAY: “USA TODAY is what happens when the coupon section takes over the newspaper. Is this an article about global warming or 50 cents off Tide?”
CNN: “Don, every time I watch your show it feels like I’m watching a reality TV show. CNN
Tonight should just be called, ‘Wait a second.’ ‘Now hold on.’ ‘Stop yelling at each other.’ with Don Lemon.” C- SPAN: “It’s almost as if The Daily Show should be on C-SPAN. It has left zero impact.”
Fox News: “It’s hard to trust you guys when you’ve backed a man like Bill O’Reilly for years, but it finally happened: Bill O’Reilly has been fired. But then you gave him a $25 million severance package, making it the only package he won’t force a woman to touch.”
At the close of his remarks, Minhaj swapped his humorous tone for a serious one, explaining he was conflicted after being asked not to skewer the president and his administration.
“Do I come up here and just try to fit in and not ruffle any feathers? Or, do I say how I really feel because this event is about celebrating the First Amendment and free speech? Free speech is the foundation of an open and liberal democracy. ... Only in America can a first-generation IndianAmerican Muslim kid get on this stage and make fun of the president.
“But the president didn’t show up. Because Donald Trump doesn’t care about free speech. The man who tweets everything that enters his head refuses to acknowledge the amendment that allows him to do it. Think about it.”
The crowd gave Minhaj a standing ovation.