TO DONALD, FROM VLAD
‘Finally, thank you for putting all those irritating democracy activists in their place.’
President Trump’s first meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin at the Group of 20 summit in Hamburg will set the tone for the future of Russo-American relations. To start things off right, Putin should hand Trump a gracious thank you note. In less than six months on the job, Trump has already given him a cornucopia of major foreign policy gifts. Here’s what that note might look like: Dear Donald, Wow, what a year, huh? It’s been a while since I last saw you. Or maybe I’ve never met you? Your story about whether we have a relationship has changed more times than a dissident undergoing enhanced FSB interrogation! If the press reports the wrong version of whatever truth you prefer, you can just call them “the enemy of the American people” again — like Stalin.
Not long ago, many laughed at you. They said you had as much chance to win as an opposition candidate who criticizes me (may they rest in peace). THE REAL VILLAINS And then you turned to the fake news television cameras and made a simple request: that we hack Hillary Clinton’s emails! Patriotic Russians tried their best to help you win, but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine you would. Since then, you have made my wildest dreams come true. You have praised me while saving your criticism for the real villains, like Meryl Streep or Nordstrom. I can’t thank you enough.
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you blaming the (alleged!) Russian meddling on an obese person on a bed. When your intelligence agencies told you it was clearly me, you showed some real loyalty to Russia.
We both know NATO is my biggest enemy. Every time I annex territory or invade a neighbor, it’s NATO that complains. They are the worst. For decades, the Kremlin has been trying to drive a wedge between NATO members. How can we get them to doubt their commitment to one another? we wondered.
Year after year, president after president, NATO members clung to Article 5 like a drunk to a bottle of cheap vodka. It never occurred to us to just help elect a businessman-turned-reality television star with Russian sympathies to do our dirty work! How many years were wasted while our Apprentice was right in front of us?
Thank you, Donald, for splintering NATO. I fantasized that a U.S. president would go to Brussels and fail to mention Article 5. You not only did that, you removed a reference to it in your speech! Be still my heart, like the heart of Alexander Litvinenko.
And then you literally shoved the prime minister of Montenegro. What a show of strength! We tried to oust his predecessor in a coup. We failed, sadly, but at least you put the new one in his place just as he was joining NATO.
Your efforts have paid off. Now, just 35% of Germans, 46% of Frenchmen and 50% of Brits have a favorable view of the United States — sharply down from just months ago. And Russians like you more than the weakling Barack Obama, by 42 percentage points! On top of that, more people have confidence in me than you “to do the right thing regarding world affairs.” Me! Vladimir Putin! What a beautiful poll. I’m certain it’s not one of those fake polls you must deal with. ADMIRABLE CRUSADE Your airstrike in Syria annoyed us more than Obama’s inaction. But thank you for ensuring that it was mostly symbolic and didn’t change the balance of forces on the ground.
Finally, Donald, thank you for putting all those irritating human rights and democracy activists in their place. Lecture after lecture. No more! I loved how you congratulated President Recep Tayyip Erdogan of Turkey for rigging a referendum that dismantled democracy in his country. And the sword dance and the glowing orb in Saudi Arabia! Marvelous.
My friend Rodrigo Duterte sends his regards from the Philippines, too, and appreciates that you’ve endorsed his death squads. Plus, your admirable crusade against the fake media has sent such a wonderful signal to all of us who jail or kill journalists. I must try wrestling one of them before I put him in jail.
Donald, I look forward to seeing you again, or for the first time. — Vlad P.S. Give us back our spy havens and lift the sanctions.
P.P.S. Sorry to hear about the special prosecutor.