Comics stand up for heroes
They also get in digs for Trump, Weinstein.
“Falling in love with America right now is like falling in love with a girl who’s throwing up all over herself.” John Oliver
NEW YORK – Conan O’Brien had a bone to pick with Stand Up for Heroes when he took the stage at the Theater at Madison Square Garden Tuesday night.
“I think the booker was lazy,” the latenight host joked. “He was like, ‘Just get
The Daily Show and two Irish guys. Just get a Mulaney and an O’Brien, doesn’t matter. Go to the nearest bar, you’ll be fine.’ ”
O’Brien was one of a handful of comedians to perform at the 11th annual benefit, which raises money for injured service members, veterans and their families. This year’s lineup included Red Hot Chili Peppers, Big Mouth actor John Mulaney, and Daily Show alums Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, John Oliver, Hasan Minhaj and Trevor Noah, who kept the political jokes to a minimum for the crowd of military personnel.
The comics still got in their fair share of jokes about Donald Trump and embattled Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein. Here are the best:
1. “What I don’t understand is that
10% to 15% of Obama voters voted for Trump. How does that happen? ‘You know who I really want to vote for? That very professorial gentleman from Kenyan birth — that’s the guy I really love. But since he’s not running this year, I’m going to check out the “grab ’ em by the (expletive)” candidate. That seems like a very natural evolution.’ ” – Stewart
2. “How do you even get there? It’s like a guy who’s like, ‘Yeah, it didn’t work out with my girlfriend, so now I’m going out with a toaster. I stick my (expletive) in it.’ I think that’s where our country’s at right now: We all put our (expletive) in the toaster.” – Stewart
3. “Here’s what’s crazy: The president is like, ‘ Hey man, there are neo-Nazis marching on Charlottesville. There are two sides to this.’ And I was like, ‘ Yeah, I think it’s called the Allied powers and the Axis powers.’ Pretty sure we used to be with the Allied powers.” – Stewart
4. “When you’re looking at a group of guys marching, and you’re thinking, ‘These are either Nazis or they’re filming a Dockers commercial’ — you’re not as worried about it. But they’re chanting, ‘Jews will not replace us.’ And I’m like, ‘Yeah, man. Pretty easy to say in August, but wait until Christmas time and you need someone to fill in your shift at Pizzeria Uno.’ Then all of a sudden it’s, ‘Hey Abraham ...’ ” – Stewart
5. “Falling in love with America right now is like falling in love with a girl who’s throwing up all over herself. Just holding her hair back saying, ‘Shh, let it all out. You just made a mistake, that’s all. You can’t repeat this mistake, otherwise you become less sympathetic.’ ” – Oliver
6. After the Chicago Cubs lost to the Los Angeles Dodgers last month, “The only thing that perked up (Chicagoans) was Barack Obama came back. People were like, ‘Barack Obama is back making speeches!’ And I was like, ‘Yeah, sentences, wow!’ It was mind-blowing.” – Noah
7. “I don’t know how to feel about Donald Trump. On the one hand, I do wake up most days terrified that he’s the president of the most powerful nation in the world, and on the other, I do wake up knowing he is going to make me laugh. There is terror and there is joy. You know what it feels like? There’s a giant asteroid headed towards the Earth, but it’s shaped like a penis.” – Noah
8. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Donald Trump quit after two years. He’d just walk out of the White House like, ‘Unlike most presidents, I did it in half the time, folks. So much faster!’ ” – Noah
9. “(Trump) fired the director of the FBI, a decision I agree with. I just think, if you can fire someone that’s investigating you, fire them. If I could fire someone who’s investigating me, I’d be at the DUI checkpoint, the cop would pull up like, ‘Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?’ ‘To get your (expletive) fired!’ ” – Noah
10. In a movie about New York, “Harvey Weinstein will be played by the Mucinex monster. The Mucinex monster is offended. ‘How dare you!’ ” – O’Brien