Restraint is the key to happiness
Stop reading.
Did that work? I’m guessing that most people are still with me. But I suspect more than a few of you were able to reflectively pause for a moment or two. For those who did manage to resist temptation, I have a few questions:
❚ How happy are you?
❚ How wealthy are you?
❚ Do you have an addictive personality?
❚ Are you in debt?
❚ How satisfied are you with your life?
I would bet that if you were able to stop reading, your quality of life is far greater than those of us who kept reading. Ask yourself these two questions and I bet you will see an odd relationship: (1) do you have strong self-control and (2) are you truly happy with your life?
This may sound crazy, but there is a single trait that psychologists have studied over the years that can actually predict the answers to all of the questions I asked about. No, it isn’t grades in school or friendliness or confidence or emotional stability or even personality in general. It isn’t intelligence or persistence. Rather, it is restraint — the ability to resist temptation confidently and repeatedly. Psychologists call this conscientiousness.
Leonard Sax outlines a myriad studies in his 2016 book on parenting that demonstrate how conscientiousness leads to positive effects. Conscientiousness is a broad personality trait that includes carefulness and organization, but Sax argues convincingly that restraint — more than anything — underlies the effect.
In 2012, psychologist Angela Duckworth showed a correlation between conscientiousness and overall life satisfaction. Psychologists Margaret Kern and Howard Friedman in 2008 demonstrated the health benefits of conscientiousness, including longer lifespan. Doctors Tom Bogg and Brent Roberts in 2013 were able to predict obesity rates in 50-year-olds by looking back at their conscientiousness scores at age 10, whereas psychologist Sarah Hampson was able to predict overall health across four decades. We can predict Alzheimer’s, substance abuse and other risk-taking behavior. Most importantly, conscientious restraint is a clear indicator of happiness and well-being.
Even if we accept all of the above, it still seems hard to believe that restraint could drive wealth. For one, it clearly limits risk-taking behavior, and taking some degree of risk seems to be linked with financial success, particularly for entrepreneurs. But it turns out that restraint and calculated risk aren’t mutually independent. And again, restraint, paradoxically, is a strong predictor of financial success. One study tied self-control in early childhood directly to both wealth and credit scores as adults. The results were irrespective of things like intelligence, socioeconomic status, geography, and even salaries.
No single trait however, influences all. That is, except for restraint.
At first blush, this seems too good to be true. All we need to do is “just say no” to our lesser impulses. But think about what is going on when we do so. Our brains are at war with the outside world. We are constantly tempted to make poor decisions, whether staying up too late to watch a movie, surfing the Internet instead of working or buying that unnecessary umpteenth purse. And then there are choices that change our lives for the better, such as choosing studying over sleeping, or even exercise over leisure.
There is a silver lining: restraint can be taught, but it is hard work.
Humor yourself with some simple exercises to stretch your mind’s ability to resist temptation:
❚ Think of something you need to buy this week. Buy it next month.
❚ Pick a week and be in bed for at least 10 hours each night. No screens, no books, just reflect and sleep.
❚ Think about your favorite thing to do. Stop doing it until you read a complete book, cover to cover.
Think you can do one of the above? How about all of them? Restraint may not solve all of your problems, but anything this good is worth a try.