Canadian athletes politely beating up on Americans
GANGNEUNG, South Korea – Canada didn’t win gold in women’s hockey again Thursday, but it is on course to clinch bragging rights it doesn’t even want.
Unless they start giving out bonus medals for presidential tweets or appearances by the first daughter (welcome to Korea, Ivanka), our friends from north of the border will likely beat the United States in the overall Winter Olympics medal count.
Phew, thank goodness for the hockey. “I don’t really see it like that,” Canadian figure skater Kaitlyn Weaver said, when asked what satisfaction Canada will glean from laying the smackdown on the Americans for most of the last two weeks across various sports. “We want Canada to be successful, but I hope the other countries do well too.”
Argh, don’t do that. That’s not fair. You’re not allowed to win and be all magnanimous about it. And you get to go home to Tim Horton’s as well. Why can’t you rub it in and gloat and provide something for Americans to get riled up about?
Canada hasn’t won more medals than the USA since Nagano in 1998. The Canadians came through on their uncharacteristic but thoroughly endearing vow to “own the podium” when hosting in Vancouver in 2010, winning the most golds. But even then the USA won the most total medals, which is the measure we use for Olympic success even though the entire rest of the world doesn’t. Even when Canada wins it is nice. One of their golds this time came from the prettiest performance of the Games. Ice dance duo Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir carried the flag at the opening ceremony, they look immaculate, are probably in love with each other, dance like they dropped from the heavens and, darn it, are really nice people. Not fair either.
When Canada lost in the bronze medal race-off in speedskating’s team pursuit, they greeted their U.S. conquerors with hugs and congratulations. When Samuel Girard took gold ahead of the USA’s John-Henry Krueger at shorttrack he wasn’t gleeful. “John-Henry skated so well,” Girard said. “I am happy for him.”
So nice. And they have a cool and handsome president. Canada has all the charm and feel-good factor of the Tongan flag bearer and Jamaican bobsled team, but it’s not here to make up the numbers. The Canadians are an absolute powerhouse, more so than the Americans, with one-ninth of the population.
On Thursday, it looked for a while like the USA might catch up. Lindsey Vonn and Mikaela Shiffrin were hurtling down the mountain, and a gold/silver double act came the USA’s way in freestyle skiing’s halfpipe event. Canada somehow managed to mess up a shot at a women’s curling medal, and the USA still had a few medal chances.
But Brady Leman won at ski cross, Canada got a medal despite its heartbreaking shootout hockey defeat and Vonn stumbled. Unless the form guide gets totally torched, they’ll probably win more golds too, just to have one more reason to boast and brag and rub it in.
Except they won’t. Of course they won’t. They’re too nice for that. It’s just not fair.