Parody: Havoc in Helsinki, the cleanup
Aboard Air Force One, President Donald Trump huddles around a conference table with top advisers en route home after the Helsinki summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin.
White House Chief of Staff John Kelly: Mr. President, your remarks with Putin are causing quite a stir at home.
President Trump: Yeah, I was great, wasn’t I? I killed it!
Kelly: Well, in a manner of speaking, sir. People are very upset that you still don’t seem to believe all the evidence that Russia hacked the election.
Trump: Oh, big deal. That’s just Mueller saying that. He’s a Democrat!
Kelly: Special counsel Robert Mueller is actually a Republican, sir, but that’s beside the point. It’s not just him. The official House Republican investigation, the Senate Republicans, the whole U.S. intelligence community, they all concluded that —
Trump: Intelligence community! Ha! Tell me another one!
Kelly: With all due respect, sir, many of your advisers concluded the same thing, including your secretary of State.
Kelly motions across the table to Mike Pompeo, who smiles meekly.
Kelly: And your national security adviser ...
He nods to John Bolton, who gives the president a big thumbs-up and mouths “MAGA.”
Voice on open phone line from Washington: Me too, sir!
Trump: Who let Dan Coats on the call?
Kelly: He is your director of national intelligence, sir.
Trump: Well, all three of them are fired! Twitter? I’m sure I lit up Twitter.
Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Yes, in fact, you did get a big boost when your tweet about foolish American policies toward Russia was retweeted almost immediately — Trump: Good, good, good … Sanders: ... by the Russian Foreign Ministry.
Trump (shaking his head): Next you’re going to say there was a listening device in the soccer ball Vlad gave me.
Ambassador Jon Huntsman: And a video camera, sir.
Trump: Move on. What’s next? Bolton: Well, there are troubling re- ports that North Korea may have increased the pace of development at a nuclear research facility even after your Singapore summit, sir.
Trump: Fake news! Kim Jong Un gave me his word, and he just sent me a very nice note! Next!
Bolton: There’s also new polling showing 73 percent of Americans believe global warming is real and that —
Trump: Horse puckey! A Chinese conspiracy, like I said! Scott Pruitt told me that’s all nonsense, and he’s the final word. Tell him to debunk it today.
Kelly: Mr. President, you accepted Pruitt’s resignation this month because of all his, you know, ethical difficulties.
Trump (mumbling to himself): I knew I should’ve kept Pruitt …
Sanders’ cellphone buzzes; she scrolls through a news alert.
Sanders: Even Fox News is pummeling us over Helsinki, sir, and Newt Gingrich just called your comments, and I quote, “the most serious mistake of his presidency,” along with —
Trump (sneering): “And I quote, and I quote!” Enough quoting!
Kelly: Mr. President, we really need to do something to contain the damage.
Trump: Fine, Sanders, start typing. I’m going to dictate a statement —
Sanders: No, no, Mr. President, you’re not allowed to do that anymore. Trump: What! Since when? Sanders: Well, since Mueller’s office began investigating that statement you dictated from Air Force One saying Don Jr.’s Trump Tower meeting with that Russian lawyer was about adoptions, when it was really about, um, about … Kelly: Getting dirt on Hillary. Sanders: Your lawyers say you must not dictate any more statements from Air Force One. Something about inviting obstruction of justice charges.
Trump: Fine. I’ll just say I left out a word or two in Helsinki, there was a double negative or something, and I clearly meant to say the opposite.
Sanders: Mr. President, people would never believe that.
Trump: People would never not believe that!
Kelly: Turn this tin can around! We’re going back to Helsinki!
Eric Lichtblau is a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist and author of “The Nazis Next Door.”