In 2020, I resolve to ...
… keep the cap on the Sharpie.
President Donald Trump … keep my clothes on at ‘strip’ malls.
New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft … buy a blazer.
Rep. Jim Jordan, R-Ohio … buy a comb and some hairspray.
British Prime Minister Boris Johnson … remember: Combs are not utensils.
Sen. Amy Klobuchar, D-Minn. … get used to wearing stripes instead of pinstripes.
Michael Cohen, imprisoned ex-lawyer for Trump … get our kids into college the old-fashioned way, by giving big donations.
Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin … avoid talking about Victrolas on the campaign trail.
Joe Biden … avoid serving on foreign corporate boards.
Hunter Biden … avoid parody.
Rep. Adam Schiff, D-Calif. … avoid profanity.
Rep. Rashida Tlaib, D-Mich. … stock up on cough drops for those Oval Office meetings.
Acting White House chief of staff Mick Mulvaney … show at least some awareness that things I said previously are on videotape, which can be replayed.
Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C. … find a fake Twitter handle that makes me sound less like a 1970s porn star.
Sen. Mitt “Pierre Delecto” Romney, R-Utah … ignore the haters.
Climate activist Greta Thunberg … lose the Nixon tattoo.
Roger Stone … rot.
Slain ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi … leave the yearbook home when I go to my medical school reunion.
Gov. Ralph Northam, D-Va. AP … fly the middle seat in coach from now on.
Former Boeing CEO Dennis Muilenburg … steer clear of the other horses.
Disqualified Kentucky Derby winner Maximum Security … try to win fair and square.
The Houston Astros … date women my own age.
R. Kelly … save the acting for TV shows and movies.
Jussie Smollett