Daughter of swingers recalls double life
“I’m not your biological father.” These five words were uttered by Diana Cannon Ragsdale’s father nearly 30 years ago, but she remembers the moment like it was yesterday. She recalls in her memoir “Loose Cannons: A Memoir of Mania and Mayhem in a Mormon Family” (Legacy Launch Pad, 408 pp) seeing the man she called “dad,” his face flat on the kitchen table after one too many drinks, as he slurred the sentence that would shatter life as she knew it.
Only seconds passed before another drunken revelation: Her parents, devout members of the Church of Latter-day Saints by day, were party-going swingers by night, and Ragsdale was the product of an affair.
“Nobody wants to hear this about their own parents,” Ragsdale, now 64, says. They were also having orgies, she discovered. “It’s tough to hear that.”
But Ragsdale kept her family’s secrets, not knowing doing so would lead to trauma and mental health issues.
“Once I took the time to realize I was living with all these lies, it just compounded all the chaos… and I had an identity crisis.”
In order to survive in her dysfunctional household with emotionally absent, and at times, abusive adults, Ragsdale had to pretend to be a well-behaved, resilient Mormon girl – at odds with who she really was.
“I didn’t have a choice,” Ragsdale says. “I remember feeling (like) I needed to toe the line, behave and act a certain way or else I would suffer emotional, verbal and physical abuse.”
For many survivors of trauma, hiding behind the mask of a double life can cover up emotional wounds and allow them to temporarily escape reality. But when you lie to others, and more importantly yourself, it comes at a cost.
“It can bring up anxiety, depression and this inability to discern reality – what the lies in your life are versus (what) you’re actually living,” says Jessica MacNair, a licensed psychologist specializing in trauma.
Some people may think they’re able to sustain that double life or keep their trauma hidden from others, but “it almost always catches up with them,” MacNair says.
‘Who am I?’
Ragsdale’s friends described her as happy and well-behaved, she says. But there was so much she was keeping from them, such as that her mother was “in and out of the psych ward” before she abandoned the family in 1966, with little explanation.
Ragsdale was 8 at the time. Shortly after, her father married her mother’s sister. Under their roof, Ragsdale was forced to project a picture-perfect image – and failure to do so resulted in verbal and physical abuse from her
father.
“We needed to look normal as a family,” she recalls. Their past was seen as a liability that needed to be concealed, and it was made clear to Ragsdale she was not to talk about it.
A reliable support system can greatly impact how people respond to trauma, says licensed psychotherapist Jay Reid. For those who suffered at the hands of a trusted adult, lack of validation and emotional support may drive them to prioritize security over their own happiness – which, often times, involves pretending to be someone you’re not.
“Feeling like you are one person to yourself on the inside and a completely different person to people on the outside is common for survivors of trauma,” says Reid.
But at some point, this double life becomes unsustainable. The fear that “their whole lives will unravel if they let the ‘deep and dark secret’ out about what life really feels like on the inside” becomes all-consuming and can exacerbate mental health problems, Reid says.
Since early childhood Ragsdale remembers being quietly “stressed, depressed and anxious.” She was diagnosed with depression as an adult. The consequences of living a lie also made it difficult for her to maintain relationships: She has been divorced three times. The pattern, predictably, was the same: She was always acting like she was OK, always hiding her true feelings.
They didn’t see who she really was. They just saw her mask.
“Feeling like you are one person to yourself on the inside and a completely different person to people on the outside is common for survivors of trauma.” Jay Reid
Psychotherapist
Can you forget trauma?
People cope with trauma in different ways. Some react with anger and frustration over the hurt they’ve endured. Others detach from their past selves, pretending it never happened.
But you can never really forget, experts say.
When people go through intense trauma, they may freeze, be paralyzed with fear and helplessness, and emotionally disconnect from the situation when a physical escape isn’t possible.
“People tend to try to forget or dissociate from the trauma,” Reid says, adding that this coping mechanism is most prevalent among those with unresolved, complex post-traumatic stress disorder.
At first, living a double life can be crucial for surviving an abusive environment. “Any time you don’t have to deal with your trauma can feel like a relief,” MacNair says. “And not dealing with it is actually a sign that your brain is functioning properly to protect itself from emotional harm and pain.”
But “your body does not forget trauma. It lives inside of you, and you can’t pretend that it’s not there,” MacNair*
At 64, Diana Cannon Ragsdale is confronting her past
Five decades of running away from her past were enough for Ragsdale, and she knew something had to change.
In 2007, she discovered a local, spiritual workshop in Park City, Utah. The mission was to “heal your inner child,” a concept she didn’t fully understand until she immersed herself into the program with 15 other victims of childhood and generational trauma.
“Basically, I cried for four days about my little lost self and what I had gone through as a child, and I learned that I could love myself,” Ragsdale says, calling it “liberating.” With the help of a life coach and group therapy, she analyzed her life experiences, belief systems and defense mechanisms by journaling, releasing pent-up emotions and ultimately, opening up.
Seeking help is easier said than done, especially for victims who felt invalidated or unsupported during their struggles. However, “when you can be honest with yourself and others to acknowledge the trauma, that’s the first step in healing,” MacNair says.
In therapy, Ragsdale learned how to feel happy without pretending or lying. Part of this process involved leaving the church in 2016 and distancing herself from her abusive father. In 2011, when the time was right, she confronted her estranged mother and ultimately forgave her.
None of this closure would have been possible without dealing with her past, and her experience inspired her to write the book.
“It’s amazing to be vulnerable,” she says. “It helped me accept what happened and reconcile so many issues I had, and after 50 years of living this lie, I made the deliberate effort to live my authentic self and my authentic life, open-heartedly.”