You’re not insulting me enough in food drive

RexStinks team, RexRocks is beating you

Let’s start the week with some good news: Since USA TODAY launched the Insult-A-Columnist Holiday Food Drive a week ago, kind humans across the country have donated enough to provide more than 150,000 meals to Americans facing food insecurity.

Every $1 donated allows Feeding America, a national organization that supplies food banks from coast to coast, to provide at least 10 meals. We’ve raised more than $15,000 already, and the virtual food drive is just getting started.

If you’re just tuning in to this effort, here’s how it works.

First, you go to the donation page: feedingamerica.org/USATodayRex

There, you can donate under either RexRocks or RexStinks.

The primary goal is to fight hunger. The secondary goal is to let the free market decide whether I, a liberal columnist known for needling the likes of Donald Trump and Elon Musk, am worthy of praise or scorn. (Personally, I vote for scorn, but that’s a self-esteem issue I can work on with my therapist.)

If RexStinks wins, I’ll write a column insulting myself

For reasons I can’t fully explain, the majority of donors thus far have gone for praise. As of Friday, the RexRocks team had raised nearly 40 times what the RexStinks team had raised. That’s embarrassing.

There’s no scenario in which I’m 40 times better than anything. Heck, I’d be lucky if I were two times better than anything.

Remember, if the RexStinks team wins, I’ll write a column richly detailing how awful and pathetic I am. It’ll be fierce. I won’t know what hit me.

If the RexRocks team continues on this path, however, I will be forced to pen a piece extolling my near-infinite virtues, all while assuming that every hot take I have ever mustered was 100% correct.

Nobody wants to see that column. (It’s possible my therapist would like to see it, if I’m being honest.)

So here’s what I need everyone to do. First, consider chipping in some cash. Feeding America takes each donation and routes it to a food bank nearest the donor’s ZIP code. Wherever you happen to live, your donation will help friends and strangers in your own community who are struggling to make ends meet.

Share the Insult-A-Columnist Holiday Food Drive

If you’ve already donated or aren’t able to help on the financial end, no problem. You can help plenty just by spreading the word.

Share the link with people in your social networks. Ask your rich aunt to donate. Hassle Elon Musk on Twitter and get him to pony up a couple million bucks, since he clearly has way too much money already.

We live in an age when common ground is tough to find, but we should at least be able to come together and help people who can’t afford to put food on the table. That’s what the Insult-A-Columnist Holiday Food Drive is all about.

I hope you’ll get involved. Please let me know just how dreadful I am.