What lies within
It all started with the gnats, or at least I think it did. Maybe there were fruit flies in the mix too, since I can hardly tell the difference, except their size. I really believe they are one and the same, both very annoying and aggressive.
For a few busy weeks when I wasn’t keeping my guard up, a squad of them slipped through a weak flank and my house was quickly taken over and held hostage. I first removed a bowl of fruit, which seemed to be their command post and it helped a little but I continued to slap, swat, mash and spray my counter tops with Mr. Clean.
They paid no attention to my rantings and laughed in my face, their size is the only thing standing in the way of a New World Order.
The last straw was when one drowned in my cup of mouthwash. I fished it out with a spoon and gargled anyway, store brand mouthwash would have been tossed but I use ACT; enough said.
My sister-in-law, Linda came to visit for a few days and together we devised a plan of defense that included cleaning out two refrigerators. Both were full of leftovers and out of dates.
Somehow the creatures had found their way inside the garage refrigerator and were observed to be DOA. I think they preferred death to what was lying within. My leftovers are that in name only. Some people eat leftovers, but mine are not only inedible they’re also unrecognizable to the human eye.
In their former life they could have been a nice Sunday dinner and no one wanted seconds. Maybe they were some cottage cheese that got shoved to the back and forgotten or two slices of bologna that got the boot by a new pack of honey ham.
Perhaps they were the remains of a take home box or two teaspoons of strawberry fluff that I intended to eat later. We did find ten partial bowls of cool whip, already hardened like concrete and quickly tossed them. Finally Linda found one container still unopened, but sadly the expiration date was 3-20-13. Sigh...
Needless to say, we found various and a sundry items, but the one that stood out amongst them all was a bottle of French vanilla creamer. We couldn’t find an expiration date but clearly the last person to use it had visited at Christmas.
I figured if it had clabbered it would be tossed but when I tried pouring it down the sink for the billion cultures it contained, nothing happened. Nothing. Silence. Peering into the bottle we saw not green, but a blue hard substance at the bottom.
Actually it was a beautiful periwinkle blue. Of course we tossed it but now I’m regretting my decision because surely that thing could have been the break through for some scientific experiment. Some physicist out there would have paid good money I bet.
Well, to make a long story short, we threw out anything with a strange color and sat out Raid smoke bombs. You have to wait four hours before re-entering so we spent it shopping and I got to tell you, I’m looking for a blouse the same color of that creamer.
Kaye Ella Steadman is a published writer, and author of two books, she can be reached at kayesteadman@aol.com or follow her on Facebook and Twitter.